Journal Update – mid April

It feels like the days just merge into weeks, the weeks into months. I feel like I am transient but at the same time I have been so busy.

My new forum is taking off, people seem to enjoy it and I find pleasure in watching people chat there and have fun.

Over the weekend I saw my father again for the first time in a few years. We fell out of contact not only due to me moving from Portsmouth to Hertfordshire a couple of years back, but he let me down in a few ways and I didn’t agree with parts of his personality. In short he has issues with people (and I) being gay or bisexual, kinky, poly… very traditional. I do blame his father for a lot of that.

In any case he attempted to make contact with me through my vanilla facebook last year and we had been exchanging intermittent messages. Seems he has softened up a bit, probably realising he wouldn’t be seeing his grandson (my child) again otherwise helped him come to some conclusions.

I had told him before I allowed him to come down that if he didn’t accept me/us for how we live, then he just simply couldn’t be a part of my/our lives.

I felt anxious before he arrived on Friday but in fact the whole visit went surprisingly well. He was impressed with how we live, as people are when they haven’t met/visited us before and expect… I don’t know, some kind of ‘filthy free love commune’ and in fact find a down to earth working family, with well behaved kids, a tidy house, standards and everyone working towards the best life for the family we can make.

Conversations over the weekend touched on childhood issues of mine, raised by me of course. As always they were shortly answered, or dismissed and waved aside. I have never been able to have that conversation where he actually realises that how I was brought up has had an insanely huge impact on not only my personality, but given other mental issues and in fact I have had to overcome and change how I view the entire world.

Imagine being taught from 6 months old that you were never going to die, that the world as we know it would be ending any day now and that there’s no point talking or socialising with anyone not in the same religion as they wouldn’t be surviving this ‘world change’…

Not having Christmas, Birthdays, Easter or Halloween until I was 18 after I had left home. I’ve only had 5 or 6 Easter Eggs in my life, mostly this year. A handful of birthday cakes with candles on. Small things to other people are huge things to me. You can see why Christmases are huge in my life now, as well as a few other things.

Not being able to go to university as there’s ‘no point’, not going on any school trips as the other kids are ‘bad association’, growing up bisexual but feeling insane amounts of guilt as this is a vile sin punishable by death at the judgement day and that sex is for within marriage only, a happy marriage or not. Of course the marriage would be to someone in the same religion and you can only get divorced if they or you cheat. Which then means you or them is destined for that death at Judgement Day too of course.

These are just a few issues. This is why I live life to the full and why I really think that the way I am living now hands down beats the childhood I had, the way we bring the family up and live together and love each other Рhow can that be a bad thing?

So I am bisexual – so?

So I am kinky – I don’t do this in front of kids, do you have sex in front of your kids? It’s the same thing.

So I am poly, I love him and I love her – so? There is no predefined limit on how you love, only that you choose who you love. If they love you back and it is a complete and honest union then what is the problem?

The family here have 4 adults upon whom to turn for help, with their problems, to give various aspects of help and utilise experience. There is a wealth of not only knowledge and experience with the adults in the house but also an amazing amount of support not only for the kids but for all of us.

We help each other. We love each other. No, we don’t have bondage and sex swinging from the lightbulbs in the middle of the day with kids walking in and about the rooms. We don’t only give a shit about sex. We’re not swingers. We don’t ‘do it’ with anyone that takes our fancy at the time.

This is serious and it’s for life.

Anyhoo, he saw this and more this weekend. I didn’t say all the above to him, in case you were wondering. Just nice to let it all out here ūüėČ

Don’t even get me started on my mother issues…

Well anyway it ended up being a lovely weekend. Went shopping in Letchworth, the nearby town, out for lunch and walked about the shops.

By the time he left yesterday I was absolutely shattered and in fact have spent a lot of today in bed asleep catching up and rebuilding energy!

Kids are off school today, inset days. Back tomorrow – and I have to say thank goodness. It’s been like a hurricane in the house. Will be nice to get back to some peace and quiet as I am sure you can imagine!

Other news? Harlot is back riding again, went out on Dante today, and is incredibly bouncy about it. Good for her. Little Louie is currently putting on weight at a rate of about 1lb a week, ¬†fantastic. Such a happy bouncy little boy and growing at an incredible speed. Soon be time to shop for bigger clothes – what a shame!! (Googles 6-9 month Hungry Caterpillar and Gruffalo outfits) He’s only 10 weeks!

My pregnancy is progressing well, it seems. Not seen the baby yet but I have my first scan this Thursday. I am 13 weeks on Wednesday, I am hoping for a lucky 13. Harlot has loaned me her doppler, we have found the noise of my placenta, nice and healthy and loud whooshing coming from that, but no clear heartbeat yet. We think maybe baby is hiding behind…

I will update either way anyway – wish me luck!

Our house is filled with visitors even on quiet days, people passing in and about to get feed for the horses and look after them. Two such ladies are Jane and Claire, who have their own kids. Claire has a new horse who is living here, Bella a beautiful mare. Needs weight putting on as we’ve only just got her, but she won’t take much work.

I took a picture of her being lunged by Harlot on Saturday:


Other news? We are still on the look out for more pigeons to eat, the shooting last time went well, I think 4 or 5 were killed in the end for our dinner. Delicious! They taste like a mixture of turkey, duck and steak. Very gamey.

Missing riding good old Harlequin and having a chilled white on a Friday night but I can cope with that… my sickness is levelling out just as long as I keep eating every couple of hours. I feel like a pig but there we are – keeps everything growing, hopefully!

Hope the weather gets hot soon – although I guess a nice downpour would be useful as we are now officially in a drought. I’ll let it rain at nights and be hot in the days, how’s that?

More updates soon, must dash off and wee for the 46th time today…

Until next time





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