The 3 different types of lesbians

The 3 different types of lesbians

Where I’m at with girl sex & relationships

The 3 different types of lesbiansI’m a very feminine woman. In the lesbian world, there are terms to describe the different types of lesbians. Of course not all women will fit these categories exactly, it is impossible to pigeon hole absolutely everyone with a few labels. However, I do identify with these types both from personal experience with women and how I feel in myself.

As an aside, it finally finished with kitten. No blame on either side, we just didn’t work on a mental and emotional level. Entirely opposite opinions of the world, relationships, men and women. Possibly we should have had more conversations before the removal of clothes and the multiple orgasms… ah well.

Anyway here we go:

3 different types of lesbians

Most people will recognise the term ‘butch’ as it carries the weight of the world’s stereotype with it. Shaven headed, bare faced, stocky women wearing dungarees and doc martens, with an assortment of tattoos and enough metalware through their skin to worry for their safety near power lines.

As I see it, the 3 different types of lesbians can be explained as follows:

Butch: A lesbian who holds traditionally male values, including how they dress, lack of makeup or interest in being traditionally feminine. Often referred to as a ‘dyke’ whether insultingly or not. May arrive packing and is usually the ‘cock’ in sexual relations.

Femme: A lesbian, often referred to as a lipstick lesbian, often mistaken for a straight woman by the outside world. Holds traditionally feminine values and opinions. Wears makeup and often holds shoes in high regard. The one who is taken by the ‘cock’ in sexual relations.

mr limpy Fleshlight medium The 3 different types of lesbiansBoi: A fairly new term to be added to the above two separate identities, a boi may be a lesbian who for all appearances seems very womanly and feminine but holds some or all of the male ideals/opinions. Can arrive packing with a dildo or not. The urban dictionary describes a lesbian ‘boi’ in this way:

‘a young transgendered/androgynous/masculine person who is biologically female and presents themselves in a young, boyish way; a boidyke; often also identifies as genderqueer.’

Personally, I feel ultra feminine, I never have the slightest inclination towards feeling male, even when I wear the largest strap on I own. When I wear a cock, it doesn’t feel natural, it feels funny. I can give pleasure in this way but during lesbian sex I prefer to be taken, ravished… after appropriate wining, dining, flattery and seduction of course.

I am a Femme.

I guess you could tell that from the frequent mentions to health, beauty, lingerie, clothes and shoes in this blog alone!

Ultimately, I’m attracted to women for feminine qualities. It is difficult for me to understand lesbians who are attracted to male values and opinions in other women, as it seems slightly juxtaposed with the fact that it is women you find attractive.

Perhaps the difference lies in attitudes towards sex. For me to have sex with someone, I need to feel a bond, a connection, I want to feel attractive inside and out, valued, worth more to them than anyone (in lesbian sex, that is above all other women, not impeding any heterosexual relationship which I can distinguish from).

If I am to enjoy feeling vulnerable, fragile, to offer myself up to be ‘taken’ by the woman of choice, I need to feel safe and secure with them. Not only in a physical way, but in an emotional welfare way too.

It is likely that due to past bad experiences with men and my naturally cautious, anxious and at times paranoid nature, I seek out sexual attention and affection like it is water to one dying of thirst. Sex has always been how I have both been shown any affection and how I have been able to easily find it.

Heavy flirtation and a sexually suggestive nature aside, when it actually comes down to having relations with a woman I want to be supremely special to her as she is to me. I have had a relationship with a woman before and there is something almost magical about waking up with a woman that you know is entirely into you, as you are with her. Nothing male about in the slightest, just ultimate femininity, knowing the importance of the little things, romance, compliments, enjoying clothes and makeup and girly novelties.

Sometimes I wonder if I am now entirely lesbian (apart from my hetero relationship with my man which is a constant) due to forces beyond my control in life. I have been repeatedly turned off men by their attitudes, behaviour (to me and generally) and place in our culture and society.

I do not enjoy the traditional hardcore porn, with peroxide blondes, collagen lips, botox face and behinds, nipped, tucked, rammed and fucked. I prefer eroticism, sensuality, emotive art and erotic literature.

This is not to say all men are the same, far from it. I know some lovely men and they are very thoughtful and caring. This is rather, a general view of that masculine wave which seems to be everpresent and dominant in our world still, for all the work women do to correct this. That women are weaker, that they are only fit to look physically attractive and to be used as sex objects.

Just because women can take these attitudes and exploit them for their own advantage, does not mean that those attitudes and opinions were correct in the first place.

I was born bisexual. Well, with the DNA which meant that after puberty I realised that I am bisexual. I can have a relationship with a man, children together even – and still need something to cater to the other side of me.

My man is aware that I have a need in my heart for a lesbian love, not purely physical but also to meet that desire for a matched femininity. He is not threatened by this, as obviously it is something that he both cannot and has no desire to provide.

My heart has four sections, physically and metaphorically:

These all work in harmony, without impeding one another, to complete me.

Before embarking on physical love with a woman, I would advise that a mental, emotional and personality connection be made first. See if any of the above attitudes trigger a response in you. Which do you identify with? Perhaps not exactly all that each ‘label’ entails but what do you seek from a relationship with a woman?

I think we all deserve to be treated with respect, regardless of our gender, orientation and opinions. Embrace who you are and have fun exploring your feminine (or masculine) world!



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  1. Having only recently admitting to myself that I am bi-sexual I feel I have come quite far in knowing what I want. It has been a roller coaster ride as im already married to the most wonderful man that I could never be without and we have our children together. Yet I have been in contact with a wonderful woman who I have yet to meet but grow fonder of every day.
    I would say I was a lipstick lesbian, looking for a true friend and some one who will love me for who I am and all my imperfections. I would love girly shopping outings and civilised coffee, trips to the cinema with a naughty fumble in the back row.
    I can see your relation to your separate loves. I feel I am the same but my husband is not as ready as me. I understand his worries and his not being able to understand. But we have a strong relationship and know we will work through our thoughts and feelings.

    DG x

  2. I'd say I'm one of those ones that doesn't really fit any of the 'types'; i'm far from femme but could never be butch… and I've never had gender I.D. issues (completely cisgendered, and happy with that!)…

    I'm another bisexual girlie, but in a relationship with my man which is mono and completely exclusive and as such no female play ever happens.

    Flirting is good though! I admit readily I miss girl fun, but the fundamentals are that our relationship always has been and will continue to be mono+exclusive, and I don't do sharing or multiple partnered activity very well!

    LF x

  3. Mistress, I identify completely with the femme mindset. But it's more than that, I think.

    Although I am a strong woman, able to stand on my own feet (in thigh-high stiletto boots, no less!) I don't want to be viewed as masculine at all.

    I love being seduced, being pleasured, being taken… I love being loved. By women. I can trust a woman, I can submit to her, I can let all the walls down and open myself up and she'll take all of what I am and understand it, feel it, cherish it.

    In contrast, men scare the shit out of me, and no matter how I crave an honest-to-goodness COCK… I can't let my guard down enough to truly enjoy it.

  4. Its amazing how you can bare your soul to public scrutiny. Always delightfully written, informative and thought provoking.
    Who could possibly play you in the film version of your life?

  5. DG: I hope your and your husband work it out so that you can both be happy while you explore that side of you. I find it is a need I cannot turn off, no matter how I tried for years, due to a guilt and feeling he would never understand or accept it.
    LF: Shame you cannot indulge your desires but as long as you are happy with your OH then I am glad for you. Flirting is very fun!
    minnie: I have no idea who would play me in a film version of my life, do you have any ideas?
    Soul Train: What you commented resonated deep within me. I agree fully with everything you have said there. trusting women, we are the same, we know what each other needs and craves, our desires for affection and to be able to place our vulnerability and fragility out to the other without the fear of it getting trodden on by someone who just doesnt feel or understand in the same way.

    Thank you for your comments, keep them coming, I appreciate each and every one and ponder them fully!


  6. Very interesting post. As you already know I've recently realised I'm bicurious and would quite like to try something with a girl, and your post has given me alot of think about.

    I find the categories interesting, as I don't think I really fit into them. By those definitions, I suppose I'd be the anti-boi! I'm not particularly girly, I'm not into shoes or makeup or pretty clothes or anything like that, but I'm incredibly sub in bed and want someone else to pleasure me. The idea of wearing a strap on seems exciting to me and something I want to try, but I know deep down it's because it's something I've never done before and want to give a go, rather than something I'd be likely to enjoy regularly.

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