15 Lessons I’ve Learned From Porn: A Funny Look At Adult Movies

I bet you thought you couldn’t learn anything from porn, right? Wrong! Where there’s masturbation there’s education, and pornographic movies can teach you plenty about sex and relationships you never knew you didn’t want to know. Yeah, I’m joking guys. People tend to have strong feelings about porn –I could mention Marmite, but I’ll file that in the ‘niche’ section for now- however I think everyone agrees that adult entertainment is a massive industry which isn’t going away any time soon. Sorry-not-sorry. I thought I’d put together a little piece on the 15 Lessons I’ve Learned From Porn, a humorous look at stuff which is totally normal in porn flicks but which doesn’t reflect reality in the slightest.  

15 Lessons I’ve Learned From Porn

It’s ALL about cock size – who cares what the guy actually looks like?

Seriously, the amount of not-actually-that-hot handymen that get their end away in porn is amazing. Seems it only matters what the woman looks like –cos who’s looking at the guy? 

All sex is white cis-het; everything else is NICHE or FETISH (or gay porn). 

Go to any porn site (when you can, don’t get yourself fired over it) and you’ll see reams of video clips full of white big-titted women being banged by white big-cocked men.  

That said, all women are actually bisexual. Even hetero ones.

15 Lessons I’ve Learned From Porn

You’re straight? But you’ll still eat out your best mate while I bang you & enjoy watching, right? Cool.  

Women can’t have great sex unless they’re fully made up.

All women live in full makeup, sexy lingerie and dangerously high heels just waiting for some guy (& possibly girl; see above) to fuck them. Make-up free quickie? Barefoot fuckery? What even is that? 

Great sex means no pubes.

15 Lessons I’ve Learned From Porn…unless you’ve popped in a 70s porn VHS by mistake. Or clicked into NICHE or FETISH categories, obviously. Women in particular just don’t have pubic hair. Must be an evolutionary progress thing. So we can enjoy all the unnaturally perfectly tidy labia in exquisite clarity.  

Women LOVE cum all over their face. Living the dream. 

Who wouldn’t love some warm salty eyeball-stinging ejaculate splattered all over their face as a natural and expected part of sex? In any case, there’s nothing more attractive than a woman with a face that resembles a half-melted candle.  

Women mainly orgasm from penis penetration alone.

It’s true you know –at least in porn- there’s nothing a woman loves more, and which is more effective at bringing her to climax, than a big throbbing cock thrusting in and out of her vagina. Nothing else required at all. What? No, never heard of a clitoris.  

Vulvas must resemble Niagara Falls at every opportunity.

15 Lessons I’ve Learned From PornWhether the climax of a porn sex session is cock, dildo or thrusting-finger based, you can guarantee a close-up on a gushing fountain of a vulva. Women’s orgasms = 100% squirting. Don’t even try to tell me that your genitals don’t resemble Old Faithful after every orgasm, I won’t believe you.  

Spit is the only lube you need.

Chafing? Uncomfortable friction? If in doubt, spit on it. Or in it. It’s the best lube and the only lube –in porn. Anyway, everyone knows that hacking up some phlegm to gob on your lover’s genitals in the heat of the moment is the epitome of eroticism.  

Thrusting hairy man buttocks are extremely sexy. YES THEY ARE.

15 Lessons I’ve Learned From PornYou might not have considered the sight of a guy with his jeans and pants dragged down to his knees, hairy arse thrusting rhythmically forwards as the most sensual thing you’ve ever seen –but porn is here to insist that it really is. You might have thought ‘builder’s crack’ isn’t your thing -but when your screen is full of the whole crack, and nothing but the thrusting crack… Wow. It’s getting hot in here.  

All women are submissive, even in vanilla sex. Anything else is (you guessed it) NICHE or FETISH.  

Who’s your daddy? Yeah, suck it bitch. You been a naughty girl?
Sound familiar? And yeah, I mean from porn flicks -I haven’t been listening at your bedroom door.  

Even in non-BDSM porn (vanilla), there’s often a bit of power exchange going on. By which I mean the guy is OBVIOUSLY dominant and the woman is OBVIOUSLY submissive. Because that’s the natural order of things. A dominant woman and submissive guy? How odd. Get yourself over to a niche site, mate. 

Very sexually active people love ordering pizza then not eating it. And live in houses with terrible plumbing.

15 Lessons I’ve Learned From Porn

Seriously, the amount of cold pizza for breakfast in these people’s houses must be EPIC. When ordering a pizza, there’s only one kinda 12-inch-deep they’re really interested in. Also, if you have a totally banging sex life, make sure it doesn’t have a negative effect on your pipes. By which I obviously mean your home’s plumbing system. Porn stars must keep their local plumbers in business single-handedly (as it were).  

Sex with restraints or accessories is HARDCORE.

15 Lessons I’ve Learned From PornYeah, even those pink fluffy handcuffs you see hen parties triumphantly lassoing round their heads towards the end of the night. Bondage? Well, it’s clearly not normal… off to the hardcore/fetish categories with you.  

We’ve also already learned that all normal sex is with a dude banging away at a woman’s genitalia until she can’t help but gush her appreciative orgasm from penis penetration alone, so if there’s a vibrator or butt plug involved –wow. So niche. Much alt.  

Simultaneous orgasms are the only way to end sex.

Whether it’s porn, romantic movies or cheesy fan-fic novels, there’s no end to sex like the white, cis-het-but-sometimes-the-woman-fucks-women, overly-made up, pizza-neglecting couple exaggeratedly screaming out their orgasm in perfectly synchronised stereo. Because if you don’t cum at exactly the same time as each other, did you even really have sex?  

Whether she cums or not: when the man orgasms, show’s over folks.

15 Lessons I’ve Learned From Porn

If the 100%-of-the-time simultaneous orgasms weren’t enough of a clue the credits were about to roll, you know it’s a wrap when the guy explodes his orgasm. And that’s the case whether you’re watching his thrusting hairy arse do it from the rear (it’s sexy, don’t forget), you’re getting a close up of her pubeless vulva take it all between perfect pink lips, or it’s a ceremonial anointing over her falsies and red-balloon lips.  

Because when the man orgasms, it’s the end of sex. He’s done, you’re done, everyone’s done. Good job, everyone. There’s some pizza on the side if you fancy.  

 

15 Lessons I’ve Learned From Porn

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1 COMMENT

  1. Yes, she always cums as he does. Possibly for a second time because she came earlier when he did that other thing. In fact she probably came several times, judging by all that shrieking.

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