What is Cybersex? And How Can Cybering Improve Your Relationship?
If you’re in a relationship, it’s unlikely that you’re physically with your partner 24/7. Even if you live together, one or both of you may work outside the home, and the pace of modern life means regular temporary separations are normal and unavoidable. Or perhaps you’re facing the challenges of a long-distance relationship, where in-person meet ups are rare but precious. In these situations, and others, cybersex can be truly amazing.
What Is Cybersex?
Wikipedia describes cybersex as “a virtual sex encounter in which two or more people connected remotely via computer network send each other sexually explicit messages describing a sexual experience.”
I’d agree with this. I’d describe cybersex as online flirting, but more than flirting at the same time – it can range from suggestive conversations to having all-out sex on the web. It lets you be whoever you want to be, and as sexually free as you’d like.
As with most things sexual, the only inherent rule is the consent of everyone involved. The elements of any cybersex chat will vary according to the desires –and imaginations- of the people taking part.
Note: cyber sex has very little to do with Cyber Monday, although it’s admittedly a great way to distract yourself from the militant sales.
Why Engage In Cybersex?
As cybersex is conducted over the internet, on whichever device you use, it might be difficult to understand why you’d want/need to include it in your relationship. Particularly if you live with your partner, or at least see them in-person regularly.
There’s something about putting your desires in written words. Dirty talk and the physicality of sex are incredibly erotic, of course; but the combination of enforced physical limitations and the scope for boundlessly imaginative chat is uniquely seductive. This is the case whether your partner is overseas, at work or sitting in the same room/office with you.
I’ve recently written how sexting can help couples recapture their honeymoon sex life. Cybersex is a great way to maintain strong bonds in an otherwise busy life.
This is especially true for parents who might find it difficult to find the time and energy to keep sexually connected. Trying to have a sexy relationship as parents puts excess pressure on couples – when they may already be struggling simply with their family responsibilities.
Cybersex can also help couples explore their sex fantasies in an environment which is much less intimidating than the bedroom. Chatting about sexual fantasies and activities online, whether via Skype, WhatsApp, text or other messenger, puts less pressure on the other person. I find it easier to be completely honest about how I feel about various aspects of sexual play; feelings that I may feel awkward verbalising in person.
Cybering In Long Distance Relationships
Cybersex is obviously one of the few intimacy options open to you when you’re in a long-distance relationship. Maintaining a strong relationship when you’re separated over long periods of time can be gruelling and emotionally draining.
Catching up with each other’s everyday news will be precious conversation, of course; but turning online conversations towards sexual topics (when you’re both in the mood) can help keep you feeling like romantic partners rather than merely friends.
Some people (including myself) feel a bit more shy and awkward doing dirty talk out loud – say, by telephone. Cybersex is a great way to release all those pent-up sexual frustrations and share your ongoing burning desire for each other without embarrassment. If you want to add in webcams and voice chat then that’s totally down to you, of course. Part of the beauty of cybersex is that there are so many levels, you can stop where you feel comfortable.
Enjoying Cybersex When You’re Single
Cybersex isn’t the sole province of those in relationships, it’s regularly enjoyed by single folk. With the popularity of online dating it’s natural that many instances of the getting-to-know-each-other chats will be conducted online. Once comfortable with each other, and if the mood takes you both, then the chats may evolve into cybersex. As I’ve said, cybersex is like taking flirting to the next level.
Unlike when you’re in a relationship though, cybersex as a single can be fraught with risks. Take note of these dos and don’ts to ensure you remain safe and happy.
-Require the active consent of all involved. Only engage in cybersex if you really want to. Don’t let yourself be pressured into it, whether it’s just chat, sending (& receiving) pics, turning on your webcam or voice calls. Your consent is as important in this as it is for real-life, in-person sexual activities.
-Make sure you trust the other person to keep your chats safe and for them alone, and not send any parts of the chat (including sent images, voice chat or other media) to other people. You also need to trust that they’re being honest with you about their availability to cybersex – ie. if they’re already in a relationship and doing this ‘on the side’.
-Be quite vocal (even if it’s via the typed word only) about what you’re into and what you’re not. In person, cues such as body language, tone of voice and direct actions help to convey our feelings and intent. During online chat it can be difficult to pick up whether someone’s really into the discussion, or keep the flow going, if there are regular silences or it’s heavily one-sided.
-Give aftercare. Just because you’ve been brought to a mental or physical climax by the discussion it doesn’t mean your cybersex partner is ready to go back to chatting about that TV show or log off and head for their Horlicks. Be aware & thoughtful of your chat partner’s feelings – finish the conversation only when you’re both ready and happy to.
-Don’t give out personal information, no matter how passionate or suddenly inclined you may feel. It’s easier to be lured into sharing confidential information such as your phone number, your real & full name and address when you’re experiencing the dizzy highs of arousal.
-Don’t meet up with your online date or cybersex partner by yourself, or without letting someone know where you’ll be. You might feel that your previous shared cybersex experiences protect you from danger, that they definitely won’t be a predator – but how well can you really know someone via the internet alone?
-Don’t drop your cybersex partner suddenly by logging off when they’re at the peak of arousal, or do the cyber equivalent of rolling over and falling asleep just because you’ve ‘had yours’. This is very inconsiderate and rude.
How Cybersex Improves Our Relationship
I’ve enjoyed cybersex with my partner ever since before we officially got together. It’s remained an important and cherished part of our relationship through much life & relationship turbulence – births, deaths, house moves, break-ups, illnesses, family & financial struggles and ever-reducing time & energy.
When we worked in an office together, cybersex was the highlight of the working day. It was a thrill to be cybering in such explicit and kinky detail while everyone around us carried on unaware. To be discussing our sexual desires right there in the same room, to meet each other’s eyes over the monitors from across the open-plan office, to realise in those eyes the promise to make it passionate reality that night.
Cybering At Home
Now we work from home together we don’t have that particular thrill from cybersex, but it still has an important place in our relationship. Despite living and working in the same home, we have responsibilities here – responsibilities which keep us from indulging in physical sexual intimacy whenever we may want it. His mother lives with us, and we have two children, one of whom has the extra needs his autism brings. Our work schedules are densely packed and draining, plus there are the everyday household chores to keep on top of.
Cybersex is not only the light and adult-only relief from more pressured areas of our lives, it’s also sometimes the only available outlet for our pent-up passions. Even if by bedtime I’m too exhausted to do more than simply fall into bed and curl up next to him and sleep, we may have spent a lovely hour or two in the afternoon playfully chatting over Skype or WhatsApp – exploring ever-growing fantasies and fleshing out exciting plans for the next time we do have time and energy to make it happen in reality.
Cybersex keeps the sex-related lines of communication open and stops us from falling into that long-term relationship trap: only ever communicating to discuss the bills, work, the house and kids. Log on to the internet and turn on your partner – you might be surprised at just how much you both enjoy it.
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