How Selfish Sex Can Drastically Improve Your Sex Life
There are far too many articles in existence giving advice on how to please someone else during sex. 10 Ways To Drive Your Man Wild In Bed! 8 Sex Techniques To Make Her Fall In Love! How To Give Them Sex They’ll Never Forget! Unexpected Sex Stuff They’ll Adore! What They Really Want You To Do During Sex! et al, ad infinitum. Meanwhile, selfish sex is massively underrated. We’re going to take a look at how to please yourself in the bedroom, and the importance of doing so.
I’m certainly not saying to be uncaring about your sexual partner; that would be thoughtless and inconsiderate. Terrible sex advice. But you need to realise that you’re having sex too. It’s OK to recognise the importance of getting your own pleasure during sex, instead of simply focusing on your partner’s needs 100% of the time.
I use the word “selfish” in this context to mean thinking of yourself as an important facet of the sex session. Valuing not only the pleasure you can give, but also the sensations you receive.
Why Selfish Sex Is Important
All too often we read sex advice which is solely focused on what you can do for them. I’ve had a lot of sex where I’ve been constantly hyper-aware of whether they’re enjoying themselves, and whether they’re enjoying me, to the point where it’s at the exclusion of my own pleasure.
Ironically, I’m sure my partner would enjoy sex with me even more if I didn’t have this almost overwhelming worry during it. If I could silence that accusatory inner voice which demands to know whether he’s enjoying it or not, and plays on a loop throughout.
You might be 50% of the participants*, but each person deserves to experience 100% of the pleasure available to them.
Teach Your Lover How To Please You
Having selfish sex doesn’t mean making it all about your wants. It means being aware of your desires and being assertive enough to ask your partner to try to satisfy those desires.
This can be as simple as speaking up when you’d like your sex partner to do a specific thing. Say, if you want them to touch you in a certain place, in a certain way. Ask them directly rather than accepting an ongoing routine of hope, disappointment and finally writing it off as ‘at least they’re enjoying themselves’.
Even more important than speaking out about what you do want is speaking up about the things you don’t want. Active consent, your mental well-being and physical comfort are of the highest priority at all times.
In these ways you can teach your lover to please you – and you’ll be surprised at how grateful they are for your guidance.
Don’t Be Actually Selfish
This article is not intended to be used as justification by those arrogant types who are indifferent to, or dismissive of, a sex partner’s wants and needs. In an ideal world, all lovers would be considerate of their partner and do their best to make sure they’re fully satisfied during sex, in whatever ways that happens for them.
However, I’m aware we don’t live in an ideal world; there are plenty of swaggering douches out there who think they’re sex on legs and the world owes them a sexual favour.
Worry & Guilt = Less Enjoyable Sex
Being repeatedly exposed to the attitudes of people like that, through social media or TV shows, makes me even more determined not to be horribly selfish when I’m having sex myself.
Am I being a selfish douche? Am I making this all about me?
These are the questions I find myself focusing on during sex, when actually:
1) I’m not selfish
2) This is evident by how much I’m worrying about it
3) My fear of being a selfish lover is reducing the amount of pleasure I’m getting from the sex session.
It gets to the point where I feel guilty about letting myself go during sex. Where I stop myself from fully experiencing all the sensations available to me and therefore I don’t enjoy myself to the fullest extent.
Being Mindful Of Your Own Desires
It is possible to balance a natural concern about how much your partner is enjoying sex with you, while being mindful of your own sexual needs and lusts.
Want something? Do it. Get it. Within the ongoing framework of consent, obviously.
If in doubt (or simply because it’s a healthy thing to do), talk to your partner. Communicate your worries and wants. Outside the bedroom/sex session is best for a full discussion, granted – but during sex, short direct communication, little vocal pointers, can be incredibly helpful.
“Not there, darling… there. Yesss… oh god it’s amazing when you do that”
“I like it when you do this instead baby… mmmm yes, that’s perfect”
“I really want to try this position/technique I heard of… can I show you?”
Sometimes moving your body is enough to make sure you’re getting stimulated in a better way for you; words aren’t always required.
Selfish Sex For A Better Sex Life
Selfish sex is really an awareness of your sexual needs and recognising that those needs are as important as your partner’s. And daring to change things, to communicate, to assert when and how you want your needs fulfilled.
Stop obsessing over whether your partner is happy with your sexual performance and trust that they’ll communicate if they need anything done differently. In the meantime, don’t feel guilty about going after what you want in bed – selfish sex really can drastically improve your sex life.
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*or 33%, or 25%, or 20%, depending on your set-up