My Single Sex Life: Jealousy
By Cheryl Kaye of HornyGeekGirl
“Jealousy can lead you to the very places where you most need healing. It can be your guide into your own dark side and show you the way to total self-realisation.”
Deborah Anapol, Love without Limits.
I was always quite a jealous person, in both relationships and friendships. I knew I was; I knew when behaviours I was exhibiting were because I was jealous. In friendships I would feel it when a friend talked about some activity they’d done with someone else, especially if it was something I actually wanted to do. Or if I considered them my best friend, and then they referred to someone else as their best friend. Yes, even as an adult I felt like this.
In relationship terms, it could be anything. My boyfriend hanging out with another female friend a lot, or texting someone while he was with me. Anything that made me feel even the tiniest bit insecure in his affections. It’s one of the reasons I always felt I must be monogamous; I don’t like to share.
I’ve talked to some people who are non-monogamous who say they don’t feel jealousy. I’m honestly not sure if they’re being genuine, and are much better people than I am, or if they have truly found the surety and confidence to not get jealous. I am still doubtful, I think they probably do get jealous, they just deal with it better than others do, and as such they don’t feel like they get it in the same sense.
My own jealousy used to be a big problem, and one of the reasons I tended to think of myself as ‘high maintenance’, it is a feeling that has been built over years. A collection of emotional responses to experiences in my past. My jealousy is an expression of my insecurity, fear of abandonment, fear of rejection, feeling like I’m not good enough, like I’m replaceable, feeling left out, etc. My life has taught me that any and all these things will occur, so naturally I see them in every single action of a close friend or partner…and I react to them.
When I feel like this there are two ways I tend to go; I either cling tighter, in the hopes that the little voice in the back of my head is wrong. Or I go the other way, I back off, I shut down, I switch off from the person involved. Unfortunately, I think I have a tendency to get these the wrong way round; I try to hold on for way too long to the people I should walk away from, and I walk away from the people I should try to hold onto. It’s something I am working on.
Jealousy is much less of an issue for me now than it used to be. Don’t get me wrong I still get jealous, mostly due to my insecurities but the more my confidence has grown the less my jealousy has been a problem. I can see it for what it is now. I do still ask a lot in relationships (and I count friends with benefits as relationships) but I am upfront about what I need, and I expect the people in my life to respect that. I need good communication, and I need it to be consistent. If when we start talking we talk every day, I need that to continue. If you message me when you’re feeling down and need a shoulder to cry on I would expect that to continue. I expect honesty, and truth. If you tell me something about yourself, or about your life, and it changes, I would expect you to tell me. How else do I know where I stand? I also expect actions to match words, it’s no good just telling me we’re friends, you have to act like we are too. Don’t change the way you treat me, and expect me not to react to that change. Chances are I will be expecting the worst anyway, so just tell me.
I recently admitted to a friend that I was jealous about one of his other friends. Not necessarily in the way you might think. I wasn’t actually jealous of her but more that she lived close enough to see him more often than I could. I realised afterwards that so many of my friends are scattered around the country, it makes it hard for me. I am jealous of anyone that gets to spend real life time with my friends because my ‘in-person’ time is so limited. It also means that on the occasions I do get to them in person, I want to have them to myself. This means I may react negatively to suggestions of sharing that time. I do my best not to, and to be reasonable but I know it still trickles through.
As it says in the quote at the beginning of this piece I think acknowledging the jealousy, and looking at where it comes from is all part of healing ourselves, it’s part of the self-realisation. By working out why I get jealous, I’ve found it easier to deal with it. I know the things I need to do to help prevent it happening and how to address it if it does happen. For me communication is the key. I need to talk things out; I need the honesty. I think that this is especially important when you’re in non-monogamous relationships.
Communicate. Know where you stand. If things change keep communicating.
– Cheryl Kaye
About the writer: I’m Cheryl Kaye, I started blogging as HornyGeekGirl two years ago but I have always been a writer. I’ve loved telling stories ever since I was young. I started by making up life stories and scenes for my dolls and toys, and since then I’ve written about many different subjects but none of them have felt as right to me as the writing I do now. You can check out my website at http://hornygeekgirl.com. You can also follow me on Twitter and Facebook.