Rape, Sexual Fantasies, Shame and Me

Rape, Sexual Fantasies, Shame and Me

By Vanessa de Largie

The first article I read when I visited Cara Sutra, was Cara’s brave offering about her multiple rapes and the importance of rape fantasy and rapeplay in her sex-life.

Rape Sexual Fantasies Shame and Me Vanessa de Largie

I’m not going to lie, as a rape survivor myself — I found the article very confronting and it took me days to process what I had just read.

As Cara points out in her piece:

“Perhaps you think rape fantasy is all very well for those who haven’t gone through the horrors of rape. That women who hold rape fantasy dear to them somehow have a rose tinted view of what it involves. Well no, actually. I’m a multiple rape survivor and while it’s still difficult to admit that, I am simply not allowing those less-than-human-beings any more power over me or my life by silencing me after the event.

This adamant refusal to let the events and the perpetrators have any further power over me, mentally or physically, ties in very much to why rape fantasy is such an enjoyable roleplay and sexual fetish of mine. Rape fantasy and rapeplay isn’t a choice for me, it’s a need. My own research into the matter has shown me that those who have suffered real rape have a higher likelihood of wanting to or needing to incorporate rapeplay into their sex life with a trusted partner.”

Cara’s article brought up a variety of emotions within me but the most prevalent one —  was shame.  Shame about my own sexual fantasies after rape and shame for what had occurred during.

I published a memoir about my rape in early 2016.  In it, there is a chapter called ‘Stain of Shame.’   On the morning of my rape, when my perpetrator wrestled me down and penetrated me — I moistened for him.

I’d always been aroused by rapeplay pre-assault and somehow, my body didn’t know the difference.  I attached shame to this occurrence and it put me into years of therapy and self-analysation. I mention this to highlight the layered terrain of sexual fantasies and sexual assault.  It wasn’t until I read Cara’s article that I realised how much shame I’m still carrying.

Why didn’t the rape cease my rough-sex and rapeplay fantasies?

Why do I still feel the need to be fucked so viciously by men who I trust?

Why is it that as a sexual assault survivor and sexually expressive woman, it is me who has to carry the shame?  Not only the shame I place upon myself but the shame society places upon me?

I’m unable to answer the hows, whys and buts.  All I know is when I read Cara’s article, I felt seen and heard for the first time in years.  Finally.

I’ve decided to let go of the shame I carry around my own rape fantasies.  I am allowed to express myself and heal myself in anyway I please.  What happens between my legs is my business.

– Vanessa de Largie


About the writer: Vanessa de Largie is an actress, author, journalist and sex-blogger based in Australia.  Her work is regularly published in Penthouse Magazine, The Huffington Post and The Daily Telegraph.

Rape Sexual Fantasies Shame and Me Vanessa de Largie

You can follow Vanessa on her Facebook Fan Page as well as on Twitter @VanessadeLargie. Find out more about the lady behind the writing in her Sex Blogger Spotlight Series feature here.

 

2 COMMENTS

  1. I think we need to reframe and re-name this type of fantasy. Rape is forced and lacks consent. When we ignore what culture and society and “taught” us to believe about sex, what is it that we actually crave? When other mammals mate, what is happening? Is there not a predatory hunt, chase, capture, struggle, and submission? Are we really so evolved that our instincts could never allow us to desire sex this way? When you feel a strong, uncontrollable sexual attraction, are you wishing for a romantic massage and sensual kissing? I highly doubt it.

    What you describe isn’t “rape play.” It’s real sex. It’s allowing it to happen the way we are wired to do it.

  2. I agree entirely that your fantasies and the consensual sex (even when it’s played as non-consensual) that you engage in are up to you. The only concern I could imagine having is that a new partner might need some aftercare as it might bring up some unexpected feelings for him/her to play such a scene.

Please share your thoughts!

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