Fuck Buddies and Friends With Benefits
By Cheryl Kaye of HornyGeekGirl
In my last column I mentioned that in the last six months I’d had more sexual partners than in the previous six years. I explained that I’d been voluntarily celibate for four years, it was actually six years… if we don’t count two terrible one-night stands. By terrible I mean the kind of sex that is all about penetration and the guy getting off, where my enjoyment didn’t even enter the equation.
These days I’m not sure how I managed without sex for so long. If I go a few weeks now I start getting twitchy, and that’s despite having a vast collection of sex toys to play with. But sometimes even though the toys do the job, you want something more. I am a tactile person, I like human contact. I like hugs, and hand-holding, and kissing, and the feel of skin on skin. When I get those things I am happier, I cope better with life. I know my overall well-being is better when I am getting sex. Even when it’s not in a relationship, sex involves skin-on-skin, and that contact helps my mental health. I need more options for sex because my life is better when I am getting it.
I’m not necessarily looking for a ‘relationship’, if it happens that’s great, if not that’s okay too. As long as I am getting sex. However, the getting sex seems to bring its own set of issues. There are one night stands, fuck buddies, friends with benefits… as well as other types of relationships. I do have a fuck buddy and a friend with benefits but they both live quite a distance away and I can’t see either of them as much as I’d like (maybe I should move closer to them). I’ve had a few friends with benefits but they never seem to end well. The current one took a lot of negotiating, and communication before we took that extra step in our friendship.
It can be hard to draw the line, and I think in some cases you realise that it wasn’t really friends with benefits, they were a fuck buddy, and if you’d known that from the start things would have been different. However, if you thought it was a friendship, and that friendship has gone you can’t really turn it around. You can’t go back and change it. You end up losing the sex as well as the friendship. And losing the friendship is the part that hurts the most, even if they weren’t that great of a friend. This is especially important because you don’t get to grieve for that type of lost ‘relationship’. It’s not a break-up in the conventional sense, so people don’t expect you to have the typical break-up feelings. In most cases you are just expected to get on with things. You feel like there’s a hole because you can’t talk to them anymore, even though you felt like they weren’t talking to you anymore anyway. This is why you need to be very careful when adding sex to a friendship, negotiate it carefully. Make sure you can communicate honestly throughout, give yourselves a way out that won’t ruin the friendship.
I could go down the casual sex and one-night stand route which seems like it may be the easiest option but I would still miss the hugging and hand-holding. I also have the added complication of living in shared accommodation , this means having a different person sleep over every week (or more/less often) would be frowned upon. Not long ago I brought a first date home and while nothing was said when we got in, a few days later my housemate (landlord’s girlfriend) commented on how she didn’t think I was that sort of girl. This was followed by an admission that having people she didn’t know in the house made her feel uncomfortable, and that thinking of other people having sex in the house where she planned to raise children made her feel awkward. Now while I’m not necessarily going to let that stop me, I don’t want to live in an environment that is awkward and uncomfortable, and I don’t want anyone else to feel affected by my lifestyle choices.
What I really need to do is find some fuck buddies who live closer (and have their own place), or to find people to date who live near me, and are okay with my lifestyle, and with what I do for a living. However, that can be difficult, even before you add the kink into it.
– Cheryl Kaye
About the writer: I’m Cheryl Kaye, I started blogging as HornyGeekGirl two years ago but I have always been a writer. I’ve loved telling stories ever since I was young. I started by making up life stories and scenes for my dolls and toys, and since then I’ve written about many different subjects but none of them have felt as right to me as the writing I do now. You can check out my website at http://hornygeekgirl.com. You can also follow me on Twitter and Facebook.