I Don’t Feel Sexy Enough To Write A Sex Blog

When I don’t feel sexy enough to write a sex blog

It’s easy to feel like you should live a life made up of sex parties and orgasms when you’re a sex blogger. The sex blog genre is full of people writing about top shelf sexy stuff, whether it’s their real life sex diaries or articulating mind-blowingly hot fantasies conjured by their beautifully perverse imaginations. But even when sex bloggers aren’t writing, they’re busy bonking super sexy strangers all day and posting pictures of their gorgeous bodies on social media for the world to admire. Right?

Well actually – no. The sensible part of my brain tells me that just because I blog about sex it doesn’t mean I have to be having honest-to-goodness-porn-star-sex every day of my life. Not even every week. It doesn’t mean I lose my sex blogger badge if I have a week (or month, or a few months) where I feel about as sexy as a sack of spuds on the turn. Just because the sensible part of my brain tells me that, it doesn’t mean I stop feeling like I should be doing All The Sexy Things. That I should only stop banging my multiple sex partners long enough for a few sips of champagne, and my recovery from such spectacular sex sessions should be lounging in the sun by the side of a pool while almost-naked slaves attend to my every whim.

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Admission time: one of the challenges to overcome when I’m not feeling sexy enough to write a sex blog is the rest of the sex blogger community. The sex blogging community is great, don’t get me wrong – there’s a fantastic group of people who write sizzlingly hot sex blogs and who are also approachable and friendly on social media. Twitter is particularly great for getting everyone together for a chat. The downside, if I’m struggling with a lack of confidence in my sexiness or it’s one of those life patches where sex is the furthest thing from my mind, is that the regular public announcements about other people’s sex lives & fantasies can make me draw comparisons.

For a start, sex bloggers posting their beautiful bodies on social media and on their blogs gets my mind gnawing on the old body issues bone.  It’s been a struggle to accept physical differences in my body from years gone by, and as much as I admire the gorgeous images from others on the screen I feel sad that I don’t look as ‘good’ (to my own mind) as I used to. Then there’s the brilliant pieces of writing which taunt my fuzzy mind. They highlight the fact that I struggle to remember even simple words during difficult life patches, times when I can’t even dream of being able to articulate, construct and edit a mesmerising, sexy blog post.

I want to make it clear at this point that in no way do I resent or feel any jealousy or negativity towards other sex bloggers. What I describe as mind taunts and pokes to my body confidence issues are just how my mind likes to use absolutely anything from the world around me to make me feel worse about myself during those difficult periods. I don’t know about you, but it seems to me that women in particular struggle with a lot of guilt throughout life in any case. There can be guilt about not working hard enough or well enough, not looking good enough, not being healthy or energetic enough, not getting enough stuff done every day. Guilt over not carving out an amazing career but also guilt over not spending enough time with your partner or playing with any children you might have. Not being that fantastical social bastion; the unlikely combination of brilliant academic, career woman, super mum, domestic goddess and beauty queen. It’s all very well to give these twinges of guilt at the back of your mind the middle finger when they surface – and rightly so, because no-one should feel they need to respond to internal or external pressure to be anything but what they want – but (for me at least) it doesn’t stop them happening. And that’s what these comparisons to other sex bloggers are, merely another way my mind likes to tell me I’m not doing well enough, that I should write more, write better, fuck more, fuck harder, have more orgasms, be more beautiful, take more photos, be the amazing, sexual, fantastically perverse creature I feel pressure from my own mind to be.

As much as I hate the fact, real life gets in the way of this perfectionist desire. I don’t just mean the busyness of life, which it bloody well is – especially with two children and other family responsibilities – but the part of real life which is changing moods, natural ups and downs (and even temporary disappearance) of sexual desire and bodily changes as well as my attitudes towards those.  I am a busy woman, but I’m also a real woman outside of this sex blog, and a woman who doesn’t feel like banging my partner senseless every day of my life. There, I said it. And I have to stop beating myself up about that fact, or biting back apologies for it. Being real is my USP. And real means not glossed-up porn star sex life 100% of the time (only sometimes, when I feel like it). 😉

I don’t know. Perhaps I’m the only one who feels like this. I feel a bit vulnerable laying out my thoughts and insecurities for everyone to read here, but I don’t feel bad about it, either. If my thoughts or personal struggles resonate with even one other sex blogger or person then it’s been worth tapping out my thoughts and posting them here today. I often suspect other people in the sex blogger community might be struggling with similar feelings, thinking they’re not sexy enough to write a sex blog, or that they don’t have a ‘good enough’ sex life to merit the ‘sex blogger’ badge. I just want to say that I’ve come to realise over time that you’re always good enough. It doesn’t matter how much sex you’re having or how unremarkable you think the sex you are having might be – in terms of writing a sex blog, at least. Even if you’ve not had sex for a while, you can write about that. If you have a raging libido and can’t quench it due to lack of sexual partners, or despite fucking your partner, or through regular wanking, write about that. If you think you’ve lost your libido and you’re worried you’re all alone in the world, write about that. Or don’t write – you don’t have to write anything if you don’t feel like it. Sexuality is a spectrum, and I believe that spectrum encompasses all the personal struggles and challenges sex brings with it. Not getting it, not wanting it, not feeling like you should do it, not feeling like you’re good enough for it. Everything.

Actually, reality can be fucking sexy in its own right. I don’t believe people always want to read glossed-up fiction, although I believe there’s definitely a time for it. By writing about the difficult times as well as the screaming, squirting, orgasmic times, a sex blog can present a more rounded insight into a sex blogger. For me, I hope it shows I’m a real woman who isn’t one-dimensional and just spends my days tapping out sexy stories I wouldn’t even be in the mood to read, never mind act upon. When sex does actually return, once the difficulties of the day/week/month/life in general have eased up, I find that it’s extra hot because it’s wanted. Needed. Raw and passionate. And when I do eventually manage to write about it, I hope the fact that it’s absolutely genuine means it’s even more beautiful.

 

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8 COMMENTS

  1. A very honest piece and, given that I’m a would be sex blogger/erotica writer going through a bad patch personally (but fighting on) it resonates hugely with me 💖

  2. You Are Not Alone. I have it easier because I can just throw out a release blast or something that I don’t really have to think about, but I do know the feeling – and remember it from my days as a swingers/fetish club reviewer – having to write an upbeat sexy review of a night that had been ghastly for me (nothing to do with the event, just hadn’t pulled or had had row with date or something)…

  3. Amazing post. Gorgeous and beautiful in honesty and eloquence (as ever).
    When I’m feeling like this I want to just pull the covers over my head. I can’t /don’t express my feelings in factual blog posts – I usually write up a melancholy tale instead.
    I’m stressed because I didn’t even do that today (when I should have grrr) but this post has made me feel much better 🙂
    Thanks Cara x

  4. You are definitely not alone in this one. It happens to be most often as an author but sometimes I wonder if I should really be writing about kink when our life has been decidedly not kinky for several weeks. Of course I should (and I do) but yeah the insecurities are real and they’re a bitch. Thanks for letting your vulnerability show. 🙂

  5. Fantastic post. I think we all have doubts about the things we do, it is only natural. We can all feel like a fraud sometime. But you are right, your USP is YOU! No one is super sexy all the time, and everyone needs to know the other side is OK too… maybe more so. Keep fighting, you are brilliant.

  6. A fabulous post, yes we’re all human, we can’t be a sex goddess all the time. A very truthful and heartfelt unleashing of your thoughts that we all resonate with, thank you for saying it out loud.

  7. I concur! Thank you for sharing the brutal, honest reality of life as a sex blogger. I can relate your experiences to many aspects of my own blogging career in the world of the supernatural… and parenting/mothering/being a wife. There are times when we simply don’t feel like doing or practicing whatever it is that we are writing about, and actually that is quite alright! 🙂

  8. Thank you so much for that post. It was so beautiful and meaningful and struck exactly the cords I’ve been worrying about.
    I recently started my own sex blog and it’s a bit of a contrast with other blogs I’ve been finding. I knew it was going to be different since I was starting from a point as a young mom, kink “novice”, and having a teeny tiny budget. But with every post I still doubt myself. So your words were enormously reassuring.
    And it’s so easy to feel like we don’t measure up, especially as moms, and I constantly have to remember to be kind to myself and to slow down the constant rush in my life in order to actually live it – and I only have one kid and a currently-very-small sex blog!
    I’m amazed at all you’ve accomplished and I hope that you’re able to get a sense of some of my awe and gratitude.

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