Sloth: Have Great Sex… When You Get Around To It
By Jon Pressick, from Sex In Words
Work is hard. Kids are hard. Friends are hard. Families are hard. Money is hard. Commuting is hard. Hobbies are hard. Cooking is hard. Pets are hard. Cleaning is hard. Injuries and illness are hard.
Relationships and sex are hard.
Can’t it all be easier? Can’t we just sit back and rely on cruise control for a while…or…forever?
There is no denying that every single one of us has struggled with time, energy, funds and relationships at some point in our lives. And each of these—and so much more—can be utterly draining. This can cause us to slow down, not try as hard and become neglectful of other important aspects of our lives, personalities and relationships. And when that sloth creeps into your life, banishing it can be even more taxing. So why try?
Getting a bit lazy in other parts of your life is usually noticeable. Slack on the cleaning, get a mess. Become disenchanted at work, productivity falls. Improperly manage finances, money disappears.
But when your slothful ways are applied to your relationship and sex life, the effects may not be as readily obvious. Laziness can creep into any partnership and, more often than not, one or both people might not even notice. That’s because lazy habits can be easily mistaken for comfort and ease—particularly when it comes to sex.
Of course, we all want relationships that “let us be us,” in which we can let our hair down—especially after spending time in the shark-tank of the dating world. A loving relationship, on the other hand, can create that zone of freedom. Unfortunately, it is all-too-easy to go from “I’m nervous and want to impress you” to “happily co-existing and enjoying things” to “Why yes, I am wearing the same pyjamas as yesterday…wanna snuggle?”.
Balancing the ideas of comfort and sloth in relationships is tricky, and ultimately, very individual. What one person feels is a cool level of calm comfort might be considered neglectful by another. Hopefully you and your partner are on the same wavelength and have similar ideas. But if you’re not… both your relationship and sexytimes could be in trouble ahead..
One of the most cited falls into slothy ways is when our physical appearance becomes less dynamic and more plain—the opposite of courtin’ and datin’ time. While not always the case, our looks are often the first thing that attracts our partner. And when your looks change, when you “let yourself go,” tension can arise.
Is this fair? Are we not allowed to enjoy more casual looks as we move through our lives? Do we always have to be as on point as we are in the beginning?
The simple, moral answer is “no”—we shouldn’t have to maintain a beauty standard because a truly good relationship should withstand any change in physical appearance on the basis of love.
However, does that mean your partner must always be sexually attracted to you, even if your physical appearance does change? This is more tricky. Many will still say “YES” with the same reasoning as above. And you’d hope that remains true. But another more pragmatic approach might say that it is all-too-easy to fall out of lust for a partner who does not embody the physical vision they did before. Could this be considered shalllow? Yes. Should it be faulted? That remains debatable.
Another relationship and sex life casualty, which may be more difficult to spot, is emotional sloth. Other ways to describe this situation could be lack of appreciation, taking your partner for granted, or even falling into a rut of indifference. And all of these can apply to both your emotional relationship as well as your sexual one.
On the sex side, sloth begins to show itself through not making an effort—be that intentional or not. There can surely be significant factors impeding a couple’s sex life and this is not to say that EVERY couple HAS to be knocking boots all the time. For some, sex truly is a secondary, tertiary or even non-need. Some people can live a complete and happy life with little or no sexual contact. Good for them! However, for many people, sex does remain a desire and need and rather than enjoying life without it, bitterness, resentment and hurt take over as they lament the loss of sexytimes.
Complicating this type of situation is that fact that nobody is alone in a couple and, therefore, their needs are not the only ones to consider. Over time people’s libidos shift, morph and change—and are directly influenced by all of the above factors that contribute to make life hard. The hope is that you and your partner grow together on similar wavelengths to remain in carnal compatibility. Fingers crossed! However, there are bound to be times when one or both of you just isn’t “feeling it.” And if that is the case, that person’s needs, or lack thereof, must be respected. Nobody owes the other sex in a relationship and nobody should ever be pressured.
So, if you’ve fallen into state of sexual sloth, the question is ‘why?’ If you were formerly hot-to-trot and ready-freddie, why are you now more interested in rolling over than you are rolling in the sheets? The reasons could be endless
Physical well-being: It is simple biology that when we are not feeling well, we usually do not crave sex. This is particularly noticeable as we age. Sure, college kids can party, abuse their bodies and then fuck for days on end because their bodies are young and strong. But for best raunchy results, a diet of nutritional foods and some movement or exercise can improve your health and your sex life.
Stress: This is one of the biggest boner-killers there is. It can become almost impossible to focus on pleasure when other aspects of your life are stressing you out. Sure, the occasional stress-release lay might help, but ultimately, stress is a significant factor in loss of libido.
Communication: This is both an individual and a couple’s concern. Even if you spend years living with someone, it is so easy to fall into a lack of communication. Sure, you talk every day. Bills, kids, household needs, job stories and funny cats online. But you have to make sure you are really talking, particularly as it concerns sex.
Time: Does anybody have enough time to accomplish all they want in a day? So many time sucks are forced on us that it is easy to forget time for sucking! Learning to manage time (and all of the other factors dependent upon it) will greatly improve not only the frequency of sexy fun, but also the quality.
So, how do we combat emotional and sexual sloth? The first important action is realizing there is a problem and addressing it. Use those communication skills everybody talks about. The goal is to help each other, and this could mean taking action together. Eat healthy food together. Look at strategies to reduce stress together. Share responsibilities and reduce the time it takes to complete the day-to-day tasks together. Not only will also of these things provide more time for intimate times, but note how they all incorporate togetherness. Reignite your love and your libido by spending good time together.
In reality, it is actually fairly rare that someone in a couple actively chooses to be slothful in sex—but it is all too easy to fall into that pattern. In a busy and complicated world, some of the simplest luxuries, unfortunately, fall by the wayside. However, even the simple things do require work, if you want them. Let’s try to make that part not hard.
Do you place high emphasis on continued physical attraction in long-term relationships?
– Jon Pressick
About the writer: Jon Pressick is a sex-related media mogul. He is also a writer, the editor of the Best Sex Writing series from Cleis Press, co-host and producer of Sex City Radio, event organizer, workshop facilitator, (very occasional) burlesque performer and general sexual gadabout. Jon Pressick also won the prestigious 2010 TNT Favourite Adult Journalist Award and has been named as one of Broken Pencil’s “50 People and Places We Love.”