Dirty talk tips for quiet people
by Cameryn Moore
Folks tell me all the time: “I don’t know how to talk dirty.” Not, “I’d like to learn to do it better,” but, “I don’t know how to do it at all.” Or they say it about their partner: “They’re just so quiet. How do I get them to talk a little?” So this month, I want to look at starting from scratch with dirty talk.
First of all, if your lover is the quiet one, make sure you’re actually asking them for more, and not just wishing for it. Especially if you’ve been going along for a while with radio silence on the other end, you will probably need to speak up about shifting the status quo!
Positive reinforcement is the way to go here. You can give it to them in a conversation outside of sex, or lay it on them in the middle, right after they make some positive noise in response to what’s happening. The old standard for giving personal feedback in most environments–“when you do X, I (feel) Y”—is standard for a reason: it provides you with a structure and still allows you to give utterly unique and specific feedback. For example: “when you [make that noise], I get so excited.” A statement like that makes your point quickly, without a lot of explanation, and is sexy talk by itself! (Bonus points if you can deliver it with your partner’s juices still glistening on your face.)
You should at least have a few sounds to respond to, because truly, most people make at least some kind of noise during sex, if only gasping, or a hiss between the teeth, or a little grunt or moan every now and then if you hit the right spot. If you are the quiet one, do your partner a favor and turn up the volume. If your partner is the quiet one, then pay extra attention. Once you’ve got detectable pleasure noises, you are on your way. Treat those noises like the statements that they are, and continue the conversation with yes/no questions, something like, “You liked that, didn’t you?” or “Do you want more of that?” If they just nod their head, you can ask them to “SAY IT,” tapping into a fun power dynamic and being sexily encouraging, all at the same time.
The best way to help someone “quiet” talk dirty is to keep the steps gradual, in a gentle progression that starts with their current range, rather than expecting them to hit phone-sex-operator level in a week. What might that progression look like?
- If right now you’re just making noises, try to put words on it, as described above. “Yes” is a very sexy word, and there are so many ways to say it!
- Got the yes down? Excellent! Now, when you hear yourself saying “oh, God, fuck yes”, you know, random expletives or nonspecific words of encouragement, try to make a sentence. Give them at least a few words to work with. “Yes, I love that!” Look at that, you just added a verb!
- If you want to move beyond the present into the future—whether possible or not—state your case as “I want to…” No need to go into an elaborately staged fantasy. Just tell your partner what you want to do.
When you get to the point where full statements and maybe even storylines are happening, make space for meta conversations. If there’s something specific you want your partner to say, some word or phrase that you really love, or conversely if there’s something you don’t want them to say, under any circumstances (e.g. “cock” not “dick”, or “you can call me slut, but not bitch”), this is info to hash out beforehand, if you can.
Finally, remember that everyone’s dirty-talk development is different, so don’t be in too much of a rush to get there. Take it slow, explore in easy steps, and let the filth unfold naturally!
– Cameryn Moore
About the writer: Cameryn Moore is an award-winning playwright/performer, sex activist and educator, sidewalk pornographer, and a long-time phone sex operator. Her work in theatre, literature, and activism/advocacy is both a challenge and invitation to adventurous audiences everywhere. She is the writer and performer of four solo shows: Phone Whore, slut (r)evolution, for | play, and The Pretty One (and other things that need to be said).
To date, she has toured these shows to nearly 50 cities around the world. She is the creator and host of Smut Slam, a storytelling open mic, and Smut Slam Cabaret, both featuring real-life, first-person sex stories.
When not performing, Cameryn sets up her world-famous traveling Smut Stand, providing bespoke typewritten erotica on the spot to happy drunks and discerning passersby. She currently winters in Montreal, which is exactly as stupid as it sounds.