What is a Dominatrix? What Does a Domme Do?

What is a Dominatrix?

People often wince when I mention I once worked as a Dominatrix. It’s hard to guess if it’s because they can picture me George Fording someone in the balls or if they think I was a rubber-clad prostitute. See, there’s a really strange fog around what a dominatrix is and I’m hoping this article will go a way to explaining exactly what the job spec means.

UK Government Bans Female Ejaculation Hella RudeDefinition of a Dominatrix: A dominatrix is a female dominant (also known as a Domme or Mistress) and the male equivalent is a Dom or a Master. On the internet, you’ll see them capitalising their pronouns; Me, My, and using traditional lowercase to address submissives; you, they. It’s supposed to emphasise Her/His importance in text compared to Her/His submissive.

Definition of a Submissive: A submissive can be male or female and is the person who hires a Dominatrix or is owned by one (a slave). The use of the label submissive, or sub, means that the individual identifies with being mentally and physically compliant with what a Dominant wants and may feel an urge or need to be told what to do. There are a variety of reasons someone might identify with being submissive in this way and in many cases the individuals have good, high-powered jobs. After all, hiring a Dominant and making them happy doesn’t come cheap.

Dominatrix is a job title but there are plenty of people who use the label inside their relationships, something known as a Lifestyle Domme. She/He will have one or more submissives/slaves/subs living in Her/His house, She/He may even be married to one. A Pro-Domme is someone who works in the field, charging money for sessions.

Domination comes under the umbrella of sexual services but in most occasions, Dommes don’t usually do anything sexual in the course of their business transactions. I never so much as touched a sub with a bare hand, unless it was to take payment or say hello. There are some who offer both obvious and less-obvious sexual services, and many Pro-Dommes and Lifestyle Dommes consider them to be sex workers. Tanya Cheex puts it beautifully in ‘Preaching to the Perverted’; “A prostitute gets laid, a Dominatrix dominates.”

What constitutes as sexual contact is open to interpretation. It’s easy to judge the selling of sex based on sociological parameters constructed to fit political ideals. CFNM (clothed female, naked male) is not unusual, but neither the Domme nor sub are likely to construe nudity as sexual. Been near a naked person on the beach or in a gym changing room? Find it sexy? Dommes don’t find naked subs sexy either. Nudity is used as a vehicle for vulnerability and can form part of ritual ridicule and degradation, depending on the scenario. Many subs choose not to be naked, dressing in anything from everyday street clothes to a heavy rubber get-up (what you may have seen referred to as a gimp suit). The Domme dresses as she likes, or may wear a particular outfit or uniform to fit the theme, but she is never naked and her ‘rude bits’ are never exposed.

What is a Dominatrix What Does a Domme Do - Hella Rude-1There are several hundred women in the UK selling services that exclusively include D/s scenarios. Some of them perform sexual services that form part of an escort/prostitution career, or have sexual acts performed on them as part of a scene. Others undertake acts that they don’t perceive as sexual, such as dildo training (using increasingly larger objects to penetrate the sub’s anus) or sounding (inserting a metal dilator into his urethral opening), but others certainly do. For me, a Domme who uses sex toys in this way is selling sex. It didn’t come under the umbrella of my work, or even come close.

 

This vast difference in the services offered by Dommes causes a lot of frustration and makes the business of booking sessions rather convoluted. Many Pro-Dommes, like me, believe that a professional dominant and a sex worker are FAR from the same thing. A Dominatrix doesn’t do sex acts, she doesn’t do porn. In fact, she doesn’t do anything sexual to anyone. There may be nudity (for the sub!) and she might wear cool (read: ‘sexy’ if it’s your thing) clothing if the scene requires it, but that’s the closest she comes to being anything like a prostitute. She may wear rubber gloves and apply clamps to his nether regions (this causes quite a bit of pain, as you can imagine) and she may allow him to wear a butt plug throughout the session, but she sure as hell won’t be putting it in there. A doctor actually has more intimate contact during a single below-waist exam than most Pro-Dommes would have with a submissive during an entire lifetime of service. If the sub derives any sexual thrill from a Pro-Domme session, it is of his own psychological making.

Now we have the sex stuff dealt with, it’s a little easier to explain what a dominatrix does. You probably think the major part of the work involves a lot of violence, but you’d again be wrong on that front. Dommes train in the sciences of biochemistry, psychology, neuroscience and sociology, and they apply their knowledge to create effective D/s scenarios. A dominatrix is skilled in the art of motivational psychological training using an effort:reward system, much in the same way as a PUA twat uses negative cues and cheap tricks to make their serging target feel small and themselves appear more desirable and thus gain their sexual attraction. Same route to market, different outcome. A dominatrix aims to improve her submissive through behavioral training, and get paid in the process.

Professional domination is about training and discipline, and sometimes it’s also a form a therapy. It isn’t about fulfilling someone’s kinks or fantasies. It’s 90% psychology and task-setting and 10% enforcement, so it’s not unusual to see a Dominatrix training a sub like a dog or have him undertake domestic duties like cleaning or DIY. Scenarios are tailored to match what the submissive is asking for and also around their skill set.

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What a Dominatrix uses as a motivator to get the sub to do their best depends on the individual and this is where the fetish side comes in. Some submissives are masochists, meaning they enjoy pain and thus spanking with a paddle could be deemed a worthy reward for a kitchen well cleaned. Others love feet, so they may be invited to put Mistress’ shoes on and polish them as a reward for a job well done. For every submissive, there is a reward to be earned for good work but often you’ll find that scenes revolve around just how bad a job the sub does. That means plenty of correction (spanking with a cane, being made to work in heavy chains etc) and telling off. Some subs are bad at tasks because they enjoy the humiliation, others because they like to be physically punished. Many are just genuinely crap at what they’re being asked to do.

My favourite kinds of sessions were with cross-dressers. Many merely wanted my transformation expertise, so I’d get his measurements and pick out a full outfit and wig for him to buy and bring to the session. I kept a kit of make-up to use with CDs, just like I had for modelling work – a rainbow of skin tones and colours to match the sub’s complexion. Upon arriving, he’d be his usual self and an hour later, he’d be Maxine or Claire. The sessions were fun and varied, anything from sitting around reading magazines and watching women’s shows together to having a little CD cocktail party behind clothes doors or my favourites – sissy maid domestic services. Those girls are so sweet. They like poofy dresses and frilly knickers, and damn, are they good at housework!

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FinDom is also a big one, especially online. A Financial Dominatrix doesn’t do much at all, albeit for expect a submissive’s money. Human ATM, cash pigs and money sluts are some of the names used to describe financial subs and they will hand over large sums of money for a variety of reasons. Sometimes they just like the Domme and want to ‘tribute’ to her by gifting her something from Amazon or sending her a Paypal donation. There’s no set motivations for why subs hand over cash. Some pay up to sit on a web cam, others want to see photos of the things the Domme buys. Often the sums are paid fly-by, when a submissive comes across a Fin Domme he likes and has the compulsion to empty his wallet. A good everyday example of this would be drinks in a bar. Only last weekend I fought and failed to buy my own drink in Big Red, with two men literally buying and giving me drinks despite my protests that I could buy my own.

There are no real set rules as to what a Dominatrix does in her line of work, she invents her scenes to match what the client would like. One thing many Pro-Dommes agree on is that anything involving sexual contact is a big no. Not everyone in the industry has that mindset, so if you’re a subby looking for services – it’s best to check what the individual professionals offer, you’ll find it on their websites! As for the rest of you, don’t be so quick to jump to conclusions. The next Dominatrix you meet might not ever have done anything more elaborate than a makeover on a man.


If you have BDSM questions that need answers, or you’re curious about a particular kink, sex toy or sex act, please get in touch.

All questions are treated with the strictest confidentiality and your personal information and name will never be revealed or published.

– Hella Rude


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