International Chastity Day 2015
At a time when the spotlight is full blast on BDSM and kink it’s refreshing to see Uber Kinky coming to the fore and raising awareness about different types of alternative relationships. What I mean is, plenty of people are now aware of light bedroom bondage which has been mainly interpreted as female sub, male Dominant. Because all relationships consist of two people, hetero, cis, the whole gender binary he-she-bang. Well actually, no.
Uber Kinky have been sellers of BDSM and bondage gear for many years, well before Fifty Shades of Grey ever made it on to a shelf. Not that you’ll find that trilogy on the shelves at Uber Kinky. A far cry from the light teasing restraints touched upon in the books is what Uber Kinky are inviting us all to celebrate this February: the second ever International Chastity Day on 15th February 2015.
You can join in on Twitter with hashtag #malechastityday.
By chastity, Uber Kinky mean male chastity on the whole (or on the cock). The majority of chastity fetishists are men, we can see this reflected in the sales of chastity devices which are mainly cock cages and penis erection prevention devices. If this is a fetish you have been interested in, curious about or a long-time lover of, you will adore having a special day to celebrate a kink close to your, erm, heart.
Part of the celebrations are a variety of offers from Uber Kinky and you can find details of at their website throughout February. What I’d like to give as my personal celebration of International Chastity Day is an insight into my feelings on the subject.
What I get out of locking a man in a chastity device
Why is male chastity such an appealing and erotic fetish for me, as a woman, as a Mistress? After all, I’m not the one who has a penis (well, not one attached to my body anyway) so what would a woman get from holding the keys to a man’s locked chastity device?
First of all, I don’t just accept any keys that are thrown my way. I do bother to throw them back, if that’s any reassurance. I need to feel a particular pull to hold someone’s chastity keys. I don’t get off on just holding the keys to any chastity cage or for anyone. There has to be something about the person in chastity that draws me, as a Mistress to them, as a compatible submissive.
Once that first part is negotiated, I really enjoy the feeling of full control over a consenting submissive in this way. Through a locked chastity device to which I hold the keys. The fact that I hold the only keys to a device which is preventing a man from having an erection, having sex or masturbating is incredibly alluring and arousing.
When I have a submissive locked in a chastity device they become very attentive towards me and my happiness is of utmost importance to them. This means that I get lots of attention and compliments and yeah, I’ll be honest, it flatters my ego as a woman.
Many men feels like the very core of their masculinity comes from their penis, having a penis and having the ability to use it to perform in a sexual manner. Having this ability restricted or taken away makes them question their masculinity. This is a really potent blend of taboo, fear and worry and that’s when the playful element of this part of BDSM really kicks in. I enjoy toying with their confidence issues and security issues while at the same time safe in the knowledge that this is fully consensual. I enjoy it when the submissive learns more about their masculinity, personality and character, revealing strengths, weaknesses or simply facets that they hadn’t previously known about.
There is of course a sadistic element to my enjoyment of male chastity play. One of the physical elements of male chastity is the fact that when the man tries to have an erection this will cause some amount of pain. His penis and testicles are restrained by the chastity cage or device that he is in and this prevents full erection and ejaculation in the usual manner.
Before I lock a submissive into a chastity device (or more commonly they lock themselves into a chastity device and send me the keys through the post) there is a necessary discussion about traffic lights and safe words. This means that we both recognise that there will be moments where they question whether they still want to be locked in chastity or whether they want the keys to be returned to them. However despite those moments I know that I can go full whack teasing them and denying them as long as I do not hear the word ‘red’ or our agreed safeword.
On that note, I believe it is of the utmost importance to the chastity play relationship between a submissive, locked up male and I that I can (as the one in the Dominant role and as the Mistress) feel like I can go full whack with teasing and denying. To me it’s like sex sometimes, when you want your partner to be aggressive and to show ‘little to no mercy’ but annoyingly they keep stopping to look at you with love and compassion –rolls eyes- and asking whether you’re ok. Are you sure you’re ok. Yeah, but really. Did that hurt too much darling? Sorry. Should I stop? From their point of view they are just being loving and caring, but from your point of view you just want them to go at it full pelt. You’ll let them know if it’s too much or to stop. That’s what safewords are for.
That is very similar to the male chastity play I enjoy. If I have to stop and question whether they are ok all the time, without having a safe word or traffic lights in place, it would ruin the effect that I am in complete control of their sexual activity, penis and erections. They would be deprived of feeling the full benefit of the power play dynamic.
Something that commonly happens with my subs when they are locked in chastity for a time longer than they are used to is that defences are penetrated and broken. This tends to happen whether he is used to only denying himself orgasms without being locked, or whether he’s been locked for only 2 hours before and this time it’s a week, or any other difference in time or style of chastity. At the start I find that they have built up defences, they are relying upon long held fantasies about chastity play and having the keys held by Mistress in order to make it easier to deal with the fact that they can’t have an erection, masturbate or have sex for that set amount of time.
For me, once this first stage is over it gets even more interesting and enjoyable. I find that we move into a more realistic stage where the defences are being broken down gradually and some resentment may even appear. The resentment towards the holder of the keys is in stark contrast with the internal desire to have their sex drive and activity controlled, as well as teased and actively denied by the one in the Dominant role. At this point the internal struggle in locked submissives is blatantly obvious to me as an experienced Mistress, and how they handle this part is fascinating to watch and be a part of. At times it feels like they are almost on the cusp of safing, then instead beg for release which is of course allowing the tease and denial to continue should I so choose. Once they are eventually released it doesn’t take long for the desperation to be locked up, controlled and denied to be felt again. In fact many chastity submissives have admitted that being released and having the physical release of an ejaculatory orgasm is an ironic anti-climax and an unenjoyable part of their sex life and/or kink.
The saying, “you have to be cruel to be kind” is very relevant to my male chastity play.
Of course there are practical elements that as a responsible key holder and Mistress I need to make sure are being taken care of. For example I make sure that the submissive has the right size chastity device for them before they start. This means taking their intimate (yes, penis) measurements and advising on what would be a suitable chastity cage for them. The very popular CB-6000 comes (heh) in a short and a standard version. To the uninitiated it could seem amusing to place a regular sized guy into the short version – but in the long term this would cause the wrong type of pain and even physical damage which is not the intent or purpose of anything in BDSM – not non-consensual, long term damage in any case.
I don’t advise the use of metal chastity cages for anything longer than a two or three hour session. This is because men are unable to clean themselves completely while in a metal tube style chastity device (making baths and showers leave areas unwashed and liable to poor hygiene, skin sores and more). Even the cage style metal chastity devices can cause unintended pain and other damage when worn overnight and for longer periods of chastity play.
Speaking of night times, this is another hurdle that those interested in being locked in chastity will need to discover and survive. Men are prone (excuse the pun) to night time erections and morning erections. It takes dedicated training to be able to go to sleep and wake up while locked in a chastity device. The submissives I have locked in chastity over distance, or even in person, over long periods of time have found it incredibly difficult to get used to sleeping in a chastity device. It can cause several sleepless nights. The sleepless nights, coupled with teasing and denial from myself, lead to an inevitable further breaking down of the male’s defences.
I find that the locked male becomes more suggestible and malleable as my submissive during and after this time and open to doing whatever it is and whatever tasks I set him to do. Remember that this is all consensual power exchange play and if I feel like the submissive is not acting in a responsible manner towards themselves at any time, if they are in any danger or could cause themselves severe and lasting damage then I myself would stop the situation from going any further.
The submissives and slaves I lock in chastity are not people I am in a romantic or sexual relationship with. I am not romantically attracted to male submissives. There is an attraction there – but only as a Mistress to consenting males who want to be owned and controlled. It’s part of my nature to sense or attempt to sense if a male is submissive, and if they respond to that then I can’t help but move to the next stage of seeing if we are compatible on a creativity and intelligence level. If our expectations of the Femdom dynamic are a match and they show a sincere desire to serve and please me, then I will take things forward step by step. Male chastity isn’t what I would call non-negotiable in my D/s power exchange play, but it’s one of the most enjoyable ways to highlight it, for me.
Hopefully you will have read about my new acquisition recently, slave k who has just been renamed penny. He has been locked in chastity for three weeks now and had only previously experienced being locked in chastity for a few hours. Secretly I am very proud of him (no one tell him) and he is doing very well. I haven’t let him know when I plan to return the keys to him and release him, but we both know that it’s more exciting for him this way. He doesn’t have an end date in sight so for all intents and purposes it could be indefinitely. I have found that that’s the most frightening yet arousing prospect to a male submissive with a weakness for chastity.
I asked penny for his thoughts (haha) on what he thinks I get out of male chastity from his point of view. You’ve already read (and I hear daily) how he feels about being locked in chastity, but I thought it would make an interesting addition to this article to hear what a slave locked in a chastity device thinks a Mistress gets out of the situation.
“I’m writing this at a time when I’ve been locked in a very effective chastity device for around 3 weeks.
Despite having been submissive for the whole of my adult life, I would still have difficulty in explaining what it was about being submissive that aroused me. With that in mind it would be even harder for me to explain why I would willingly lock myself in such a device and send the keys to a dominant female and thereby hand over a significant part of my freedom to her.
I’m not saying that I could not make a good attempt at explaining the motivation of a submissive under these circumstances however that is not the objective of this article. I’m actually being asked to explain what I believe a female gets out of having a male in chastity.
The objectives of a female who puts her husband, lover or sexual partner in chastity are comparatively easy to comprehend. Securing fidelity, preventing masturbation and with that assuring that his sexual capacity is reserved for her and, similarly, by imposing denial ensuring sex as and when she wants it, are all fairly understandable driving forces. That is not to say that such a female would also not derive the presumed pleasures outlined below where there is no conventional sexual relationship between the parties.
Where there is no physical sexual relationship between the parties, purely a femdom relationship, the benefits to the female are not so obvious.
We of course have to start from the premise that the female in such relationships enjoys power and being in charge.
The enjoyment of power may merely be the conventional benefits derived from the ownership of slaves throughout history. The avoidance of mundane or less pleasurable chores or tasks is an obvious example.
Where the femdom relationship involves an element of sadomasochism which is often the case in varying degrees, having power over the male gives the female the ability to usher her subject into a position where he must endure her physical punishment.
Sadomasochism does itself involve physical acts which we assume creates sexual arousal in both parties. Where a female gets enjoyment from humiliation, degrading the male, making them cry, (dacryphilia) these are effectively different forms of sadism.
Fortunately I’m not being asked to explain what pleasure a female gets from such triggers or perhaps more difficultly why they derive pleasure. We can accept that they do get aroused from such situations. The real question at this time is what I, as a male, believe a female gets from holding the keys to a chastity device.
The word fantasy is often used to describe sexual deviations such as femdom. The power dynamic is played out between two consenting parties. The only hold the female has over the male is his attraction to her which enlightens his desire to submit to her. The reality is that at any moment the male can extrapolate himself from that power dynamic. A task or humiliation which the male decides is too far can bring an end to her power over him. In addition, the male’s sexuality means that following sexual release his inclination to be submissive may wane, if only temporarily.
To this extent the female’s power is fragile and in reality, more fantasy than reality. Of course some may argue that if the female cannot hold the male’s obedience then she does not possess the ability to arouse and subdue him.
The male’s consent to being locked in chastity gives the dynamic more certainty. By doing so, the male also acknowledges his absolute desire to hand power over to her. He is effectively putting her on a pedestal, virtually acknowledging that he may be weak and give her the omnipotent power that she, as a very special woman deserves. The female can exert power with impunity. She can humiliate, degrade and mould the male as she sees fit.
Furthermore, where the male may find escape from the whole femdom dynamic through ejaculation its denial increases his arousal and enhances his capacity to submit to new heights.
The sadistic needs of the dominant female, whether physical or emotional, are given more certainty and enables the female to explore the dynamic and her delectation of it to greater depths with impunity and certainty.
The initial action of the submissive in handing her the keys confirms the hold she has over him and his feelings about her which may enhance her sense of self worth.
It has to be emphasised that these are pleasures that I, as a male in chastity, believe the female obtains from the process. Consequently they will invariably involve a degree of “wishful thinking” and in any case are very likely to be far from close to the reality.”