Guest Feature

by Mel MacFarlane

too much pressure to be kinky when im happy being vanilla
After reading a recent debate on Twitter about different kinks and arguments about what is considered ‘wrong’ or ‘boring’. Cara and I decided that it would be interesting for me to write an article about a totally different aspect of the BDSM scene, or lack of scene in my case.

Until recently, the BDSM community were forced to hide the lifestyle they live because of small minded views that private bedtime activities between a loving couple were weird and perverse. The law failed to support such activities despite the element of consent and attitudes from the community were even less supportive. Luckily, over the last few years attitudes have changed and a kinky lifestyle is deemed much more widely acceptable. Sales of BDSM memorabilia are going through the roof as couples experiment with this new way of life. I should know, I sell them too!

As a result of these changes, the word Vanilla is associated with prudish, virginal people.  It’s imagined that they procreate with the lights off and their frilly nightdresses pushed up above the waist until ‘the act’ was complete.

However, as a happy Vanilla myself, I’d like to set the record straight. This really isn’t the case!

Despite my absolute love of the BDSM community and total respect for all my friends and followers who love this way of life. I am the person who nervously looks around when we discuss our different kinks because the truth is….. I don’t have one. I am vanilla through and through.

I recently saw the debate on Twitter about non-kinky people or vanilla as they are sometimes known. On her Facebook account, Cara herself curiously asked ‘what DO Vanilla people do in the bedroom’ and wondered if they ever ‘get bored?’

My answer to this question is no, not for me.

The no frills sex using hands, lips, bodies and lovely nakedness is perfect for me. It’s exactly what my husband and I both enjoy and it works for us. It’s not that I haven’t tried to implement fetish items into the bedroom, I really have, but we just didn’t enjoy it. I’ve tried paddles, whips and even a ball gag but I don’t like being hit (ouch!) and he didn’t like hurting me either. We’ve sat and discussed at length the things that we enjoy in the bedroom and it’s the straightforward sex that we both enjoy every time.

I bought under bed restraints so he could tie me up but I hated being subdued. I like to move around and be free, plus there was a really awkward moment when my ex-husband helped us move something and spotted them… oh dear. There was also an awkward moment when my brother had to rescue me from a pair of handcuffs once, both of us are still bearing the mental scars from that particular incident.

The truth is, I wasn’t doing any of these things because I wanted to, but because I felt like I should be doing them. Everyone seems to be kinkier than ever and I felt like I was in the wrong for not really enjoying the wilder side of sex. It made me wonder if I’m boring. Is our sex life wrong because we are happy to continue with our no frills enjoyment? Should I carry on attempting to try things which have absolutely no appeal to me?

Don’t get me wrong, I love my vast collection of sex toys and they are brought into the bedroom if we feel like it at the time. I also enjoy dressing up but that’s as kinky as it gets for us and we are totally happy with it.

It works for us and we still have an amazing and varied sex life, it’s just a vanilla one and that’s the way I am happy to stay.

I love the term ‘Your Kink Is Not My Kink’ and I believe that my Kink is the fact that I simply don’t have one. What I do have is absolute respect for all those who embrace the way of life that makes them happiest.

If you have a rape fantasy, indulge it! If you want to be spanked, Bend over! Why the hell not – We’re only here once and life is far too short to try and fit in. I am what I am, and that suits me fine.

– Mel MacFarlane

4 Responses to “It’s a 50 Shades World of Kink and BDSM – but I’m happy being Vanilla, thanks!”

  1. Mel Macfarlane

    Hope you all like it! Thanks Cara for lending me your site to post on 🙂

    Reply
  2. GrittyWoman

    Too right Mel! I always say “Do what makes you happy” I understand people can get carried away. When something blows our mind we all have this urge to rave about it and that’s good, but it crosses the line to insinuate that those who do not do it the way you enjoy it, are doing it wrong or missing out. No they are not. They are simply wired differently. We all are. I consider myself a kinky person. (My partner and I enjoy BSDM and especially chastity and pegging) but sometimes we also want to lay together and make love without any power dynamics. It is just as hot, but for different reasons (For me anyway) I hope you and everyone else understands that others can feel just as complete, EVEN if they do not do half the stuff you choose to do in the bedroom. Anyway, well said!

    Reply
    • Mel Macfarlane

      Thank you, my thoughts exactly. I’m very open minded and have tried lots of different things but just haven’t enjoyed it. We’ll keep trying new things and one day we may stumble on something which does tick the boxes. Until then, we’ll carry on having great sex just the way it is 🙂 xx

      Reply
  3. sensuallittlenymph

    I really appreciated your post. My hubby and I have been together for 17 years and while our love for the ‘kinky’ is pretty fresh, I don’t consider the last 16 years of my sex life unsatisfying. We’ve always had great sex. I consider myself pretty kinky, I have quite a few fetishes and so does my hubby now that we’ve been experimenting but we do what works for us. We have been dabbling in BDSM. I’m exploring my ‘submissive’ side, and I love calling him my ‘Master’ in the bedroom. Many people in the community are against such labels cause we’re not ‘true’ Master and submissive. But I don’t really care what anyone thinks! We do what makes us happy and we interpret things to fit our lifestyle. I have respect for everyone’s ones choices and I don’t think anyone should judge how they get their ‘kink’ or not on!!! Do what pleases you!!! Cheers to ‘vanilla’, and cheers to ‘kink’ and everything in between!

    Reply

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