Living With A Vanilla Partner When You’re Kinky | BDSM Advice

Living With A Vanilla Partner When You’re Kinky | BDSM Advice

By Cara Sutra

Is this you? Are you living with a vanilla partner when you’re kinky? Perhaps you need some element of BDSM to get your kicks in your sex life. If so, living with someone for whom these activities are distasteful or simply don’t feature can be hard work, frustrating and upsetting. For everyone involved.

Living With A Vanilla Partner When You're Kinky BDSM Advice

Hopelessly devoted… to kink

I’m going to tell you now that I don’t have a solution to this issue. There’s no magic spell I’ve discovered to make it any easier or make the problem go away. I’ve been in the same boat though, quite a few times, so I can completely empathise with people who find themselves in this situation.

None of my previous long term partners identified as kinky. Some were quite firmly in vanilla partner territory. I class myself as a ‘Fetishsexual’ – I discovered this phrase recently and I love it – and I simply need some element of control, power exchange or roleplay at least in order to feel satisfied both in a relationship and during sex. Living with someone who is either 100% vanilla or just wouldn’t even consider an alternate to pleasure and sex was extremely frustrating. Throughout those times it was a clear choice I was making; I wanted to be with that person more than I needed my kink needs met.

Ultimately though BDSM is a need for me, and like most things we need in life it eventually surfaced and wouldn’t go away. I might have tied a millstone round my ‘personal kink needs’ neck and tossed it into the sea, but frustration eroded the rope and it bobbed to the surface. The relationships where I lived with a vanilla finished and looking back, I realise that had I carried on being in a relationship with someone vanilla, I would have lived a very unhappy life. You can’t help who you fall in love with and it’s very easy when you’re not in a specific situation to state that someone shouldn’t be with somebody else. There’s emotions and circumstances in a relationship that go beyond feeling like you need some bondage, or orgasm control, or ball kicking, or ageplay or whatever your particular needs are.

In my particular situations, the relationships didn’t end because of a kink incompatibility. Over time we either grew apart, or I changed or they did. My last long term relationship with a man led to my first child, a secondary pregnancy that unfortunately ended in miscarriage and several broken bones when it turned out that over the 7 years I’d been with him he degenerated into a violent alcoholic. Previous relationships weren’t quite as dramatic, although early relationships with men reflected the stereotypical ‘daddy issues’ and were rife with jealousy, non-consensual control, manipulation and domestic violence.

There were peaceful times, notably with my ex husband whom I married on my 22nd birthday and stayed with for 2 years after that before realising I just didn’t care about him at all. Sounds harsh perhaps but the circumstances of our getting together and marrying were, as is often the case, complex, hazy, overlaid with psychological issues and the fact I didn’t know who I really was or what I really wanted. Peaceful times without a jot of jealousy or struggle – and without any kind of excitement at all. I realised I was bored. This wasn’t the life for me.

When I have felt comfortable enough in relationships to broach the subject of my bisexuality, I’ve been able to find a kink element through taking female lovers. I’ve since come to the point where I realise I need a male and female romantic interest in my life, and while discovering this I have had a vanilla partner while taking a lover who has kinky elements.

It’s not quite as easy as all that, of course; making friends with someone, finding out whether their interests and needs are compatible with yours, arranging meet ups and keeping safety in mind takes a lot longer and covers a lot more than, “I took a kinky lover.” Either they fell in too deep, further than the no-strings sex fun, or I did. Sex and kink and emotion are bound up together for me and if I’m honest, I’m still working it all out in my head. Hopefully I’ll get there one day.

Living With A Vanilla Partner When You're Kinky BDSM AdviceThe relationships where I communicated my wants and needs to my partner, regardless of their sex and pleasure choices, were the ones which turned out the most fulfilling not just for me but for my partner too. Having a ‘shameful’ secret or a guilty pleasure I couldn’t tell a vanilla partner about just led to unhappiness and resentment. Now I realise I just can’t have a relationship with someone who doesn’t have a trace of kink.

I have friends both online and in real life who are in the predicament of being in a relationship with, and loving someone who is vanilla when they have personal kink needs. It’s a very difficult situation and the advice column chant of ‘communication’ is as vital as ever.

You really do have a choice to make; you either talk to your vanilla partner about your wants and needs, despite any fears you may have and take the consequences on the chin, or you keep your wants and needs to yourself and live a life loving them but sacrificing your personal pleasure. This may even mean resorting to deception as you seek out the fulfillment of your needs elsewhere, either through a natural magnetism to BDSM with online literature and porn or by being drawn to meet those in the kink scene and getting your needs seen to behind the back of your long term yet vanilla partner.

Like I said earlier on, I don’t have a magic solution for this problem. Sorry. I see couples in relationships where there is a kink incompatibility all the time and I have no advice to offer, only empathy. I think people have a decision to make. Remember that you only have one life, so choose carefully.

 

Living With A Vanilla Partner When You're Kinky BDSM Advice

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4 COMMENTS

  1. Solution: polyamory. Why do lovers need to be non-emotional, no strings attached relationships? People can and do have more than one loving relationship at a time. No one partner will ever fulfill 100% of anyone’s needs regardless of whether that need is kink, another gender, or something else. We all either sacrifice some needs to be with someone we love, or we fulfill some needs with some people and other needs with others.

    • Well polyamory isn’t for everyone. Thanks for your comment, by the way. I’m just out of a three yr poly rel myself and there are a myriad other problems.

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