Fetish Friday: Being shouted at – kink or abuse?


When you think of shouting in a the usual sense, you will probably experience certain visualisations. A couple mid-row, a parent chastising a child, perhaps even a flashback to a personal, maybe even a painful memory.

Who in their right mind would ever enjoy being shouted at?

But plenty of people worldwide do. Oh, there is a certain context you’re missing here; I don’t mean people who pick fights for nothing or those who see every conversation as an invitation to war. I am talking about people in the BDSM scene and lifestyle, with a kink for being shouted at by a Top or Dominant person, for mutual pleasure and fulfilment.

Plenty of BDSM media, whether visual scenes of fetish porn or written kinky erotica, examines and demonstrates a Dominant person (or even a group of people) shouting at a submissive. This BDSM media has largely, in my experience, been FemDom porn and erotica. Fem-Dommes shouting at submissives and slaves, usually male, is portrayed as the ultimate in ‘hot Dominatrix action’; alluring, attractive, wanted, right.

Not only have I experienced this affiliation with shouting/being shouted at in fictional circumstances, as through porn and erotica, I have even subjected my submissives and slaves to shouting in reality.

Shouting at a slave or submissive ties in with their internal desire, or need really, to be psychologically reduced to complete vulnerability. Shouting at a submissive brings out the natural reaction of feeling intimidated and/or threatened by the one doing the shouting. Many male submissives have a penchant for humiliation by a Female Dominant, or Domme; shouting at a male submissive, particularly along the lines of humiliating abuse, deals with this desire nicely.

Speaking with a BDSM scene friend recently we discussed this particular topic, which gave rise to this article being written for my Fetish Friday meme. Shouting and/or abuse in a kink scene is different to shouting during any other sort of scene (vanilla/ordinary/with those not of BDSM), yet the reasons behind the shouting and the reactions to it correspond rather alarmingly. Then there is the issue of gender.

We concluded that as well as coming down to personal preference, as with all BDSM/sexual/usual things, there is a difference to be noted between the ways men and women both Dominate and submit. This is a large psychological area of debate and discussion, too complex to be covered in its entirety here. However, it is worth noting that in the case of many Dom/mes and submissives of either gender (note: not all, I realise some of you will not fall into these categories or even within a particular gender), there is a way of Dominating and submitting that seems to fall (mostly) across the board, particularly when it comes to a heterosexual D/s relationship.

Female Dominants

Female Dominants, also known as Dommes, Dominatrices, Doms, Mistresses or Tops, obviously like to be in charge. Enjoying the somewhat privileged position of having their pick of a wealth of wanting male submissives in the world, a lot of whom are willing to even pay for a Female Dominant’s time and talents, they are able to take advantage of this fact and treat a male submissive pretty much how they wish.*

Along with playing into a common fantasy of male submissives to be underfoot of a cruel, vicious and sadistic Domme, Female Dominants utilise shouting in their Domination scenes to turn the male submissives desires into a very real and useful service that they can both use and enjoy.

As a Female Dominant myself, I am careful not to overuse my shouting ability, as otherwise it would lose impact when it actually happens. Shouting in the right places during a session with a male submissive or slave can bring about amusing, arousing and pleasing results, with a sometimes spectacular (and even literal) jump to put right any ‘wrongs’ and to heed your commands immediately.

*Of course, within the confines of respecting limits, safewords and after duly negotiated session themes and activities.

Male submissives

Following on from the above, male submissives often crave for their fantasy of being shouted at by a Female Dominant to be made reality. I have found that most of the male submissives and slaves I meet either online or in real life actually urge me (as strongly as they dare) to shout at them harshly, using extreme and profane abuse to make them feel as humiliated and as worthless as possible.

Shouting abuse at male submissives plays into a perversion of perhaps not the ‘natural’ way of things, but certainly ‘how things are’ in the world. Thanks to Feminism and an awareness of gender equality, we have thankfully (mostly) moved on from times where all bosses were stereotypically portrayed as male, the 50s housewife remained at home to raise the offspring and cook, and women deferred to men in most areas of life.

For many men, there remains a sense that they are the protectors of women, possibly at a subconscious level. Women are generally weaker in a physical sense than men, and if a woman should fall in the street or drop her shopping, it is therefore considered polite and chivalrous for a nearby ‘gentleman’ to help her to her feet or pick up spilled items.

Reversing the roles in a BDSM scene, and the male submissive consenting to a Female Dominant abusing her nature and position of power, leads to a deviant sense of arousal. The more extreme and vicious the shouting and abuse, the more perverse the situation seems. Onlookers think it strange perhaps; the fact is, it works for both parties and hurts no-one (non-consensually, anyway).

Male Dominants

Male Dominants find they have to tread particularly carefully with female submissives, in heterosexual BDSM or D/s and M/s relations.

Women tend to heavily relate their sexuality to their submission, more often than not. The vulnerability which comes from trusting someone sexually is heightened with the addition of BDSM and power exhange.

Consequentially, male Dominants find that their behaviour as a Dominating partner to a submissive woman needs to be a reflection of these heavily sexual overtones, combined with a strong bond of trust and protection. Shouting at a female submissive does not usually feature in these needs or following BDSM activity.

Female submissives

In my experience, the majority of female submissives do not enjoy being shouted at. There seems to be a distinct split between fem subs who enjoy humiliation (such as name calling, ‘proper’ corporal punishment and being shouted at) to fem subs for whom a more gentle approach is required.

Many female submissives respond much more appropriately and pleasingly to Domination which includes heavy sexual overtones and activity, making them feel wanted, needed even. As such, they feel more like a treasured possession rather than a disposable object which may be cast out at any time. Most women, in my opinion, do not enjoy feeling like a worthless piece of rubbish, no matter how deeply they try to probe their subconscious desires.


As with all BDSM matters, there will be exceptions to the rule. Please don’t take the above generalisations as ‘rules’ or behaviours that ‘should be.’ I have found it

How about you? Do you enjoy being shouted at in a ‘kinky’ way? Could you see yourself fulfilling the needs of another, by shouting at them or hurling abuse in their direction?very interesting musing on the reasons why some submissives enjoy being shouted at, in a BDSM sense, how gender may play a part due to lingering cultural attitudes and why some Dominants enjoy fulfilling this want.

Please comment below and share your thoughts with me.


You can find the other Fetish Friday posts and articles here.

– Cara Sutra


One Response to “Fetish Friday: Being shouted at: kink or abuse?”

  1. Norman LeRoy

    I used to work Night Audit at a hotel. A woman came down one night with her guy and just tore into me about some problem with the room. She was starting to wind down when she looked at me and seemed to recognize I was not exactly taking this badly; then she revved back up with this epic torrent of abuse, directing it a little more at me rather than the hotel this time. She was very good, well-calibrated, and didn’t take it too far. Her guy had a quizzical half-grin. I’m not sure they knew how much I was enjoying it or who I am, or if this was something she enjoyed; nothing was said about any of that. I comped their room or gave them their discount or whatever the case was, and it all ended professionally. One of my most vivid memories.


Please share your thoughts!