Fifty Shades of Grey – What is BDSM?

Fifty Shades of Grey, you presently own a large proportion of my waking day. If I’m not reading you, I’m writing about you or because of you. You were a mini work project undertaken under the influence of alcohol in Ibiza. Now you are so much more.

If you’re new to this blog, stumbled across it because Google told you it might be what you’re looking for because you’ve read Fifty Shades and want silver balls, handcuffs, Christian Grey or just some more information about bondage, or BDSM in general… you’re in the right place.

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Over the past few weeks I have received so many requests for advice, tips and general knowledge about sex toys, bondage equipment and domination/submission because of Fifty Shades of Grey and the subsequent Darker and Freed sequels. I wrote today on Twitter, “You have no idea how happy it makes me to see BDSM getting major coverage in the everyday press and being tried out in everyday bedrooms.”

If your only experience with BDSM is reading Fifty Shades of Grey, you might find it a little confusing. Before Fifty, BDSM lead you down a road paved with gimp masks, spiteful whips and genital torture.

“No thank you” you thought, grabbing a pair of fluffy handcuffs and heading back the way you came.  Now this book comes along, pops some Ben Wa balls on your lap and spanks your ass while you wear them. What’s that all about?

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Why Did BDSM Have Such a Bad Name?

There are a lot of reasons that hardcore BDSM gets the most press but few of them are positive reflections. Believe it or not hardcore BDSM might not be as bad as you think, it might just look bad to you. Sure, some people really do go to extremes but even most hardcore acts are a lot different to how you’d imagine. London Faery does a great job demonstrating this at his demonstrations.

A lot of references are circumstantial associations such as a corrupt politician who just so happens to like a good spanking. Kinky = Bad.

The acts that got the most media attention were those that went wrong, resulting in injury or death. Kinky = Bad.

Or alternatively they were extreme examples of BDSM that scared or horrified the public. Extreme depictions of scenes are way too far out of most people’s comfort zones and they can’t be easily understood let alone invoke empathy with a vanilla onlooker. Kinky = Bad.

The amendment to the law that saw extreme pornography banned once again put the subject of BDSM up for negative public consideration. Kinky = Bad.

It was widely published that BDSM was a paraphilia or a harmful sexual inclination. For many years practitioners were seen to be mentally disturbed. Kinky = Bad.

There are many other examples of Kinky = Bad. Please share any you can think of. Sharing is caring.

How Does Extreme BDSM Differ from BDSM?

Think of it as you’d think of vibrators. Some people like gentle, high frequency stimulation that’s light and quick. Others prefer their kicks hard and powerful. There are Fifty Shades of Grey and there are pretty much fifty shades of BDSM, each level a little harder than the previous. We’re varied creatures that enjoy varied play. Just because you think something looks unbearably painful, doesn’t mean others won’t find it euphoric.

Likewise, just because you don’t see something as emotionally fulfilling, doesn’t mean that it isn’t to others. It’s very different to experience something from the outside looking in. Extreme bondage can be just as sensual as the scenes in Fifty, even if Ana didn’t think so. Frankly Christian’s undertaken of heavy sadism was poorly executed and recklessly irresponsible. Mrs Robinson clearly isn’t the guru she thinks she is.

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Why do Women Want Christian Grey?

Christian as a character is unlike any man you’ll meet. For a start, most dominant men aren’t completely screwed up (yes, some are, but most are just regular Joes). They’re also not usually billionaires, not that it’s Christian’s money we’re after.

It’s not Grey that we want. Very few women are after a project. It’s what he does and how he does it, t’s charisma and it’s confidence but otherwise it’s any man who can be confident enough to experiment and talk about experimenting with sex. If you want Fifty Shades in the bedroom then you have to become comfortable and confident with sex, you have to be able to talk about sex. And your partner needs to feel they can be confident and comfortable too.

The great sex in Fifty is in big part down to Ana’s annoying ability to cum… sorry… explode around cock within minutes. It’s not even that we’re jealous of, it’s the way she fucks…the way she’s fucked. Couples who are confident talking about sex are able to talk about their desires and move fantasies from their heads into the bedroom via communication and shared curiosity. It’s a beautiful thing. Experimentation is a natural part of the sex lives of happy couples.

At the core of everything that turns us on about Fifty is red hot, experimental and loving sex. It’s emotional, it means something and it’s always exciting. Christian and Ana are intensely attracted to one another physically, they’re deeply obsessed with each other another and they’re both constantly charting up bedroom firsts.

The fact that their firsts mainly involve spanking, whipping, silver balls and bondage is virtually inconsequential, but it sounds superbly erotic under the premise of romance doesn’t it? Hello? BDSM? I’m listening.

BDSM Sex Tips and Advice

I’ve given a lot of advice on the subject of BDSM to Lovehoney and the general media over the past few years, but my best Fifty Shades sex tip is a simple one: Become more sexually confident with your partner and help them to become more sexually confident too. It’s a life changer. If you find yourself stuck in a sexual rut, get a board game for couples. I know, I was a sceptic too once. But some of them are pretty good and I particularly think Monogamy is great for building confidence if you’re getting kinky inclinations.

You may not be inspired by all of the suggestions, but you’ll have fun. Repeated play will make you and your partner much more comfortable communicating and experimenting together which will only serve to benefit your sex life. Because the game is telling you how to behave a lot of the self consciousness you might feel trying new things is alleviated. Think of the cards as your dominant instructor telling you and your partner how to please one another. You’ll also be pleased to hear that BDSM features throughout the game so you’ll get a little taster to tide you over.

Honestly, it’s worth waiting for the sensual BDSM experience. Do a little ground work and reap the rewards of easier communication that’s more concise and constructive. You’ll then be ready to move onto the really juicy stuff.

I’ll be writing more blogs discussing what to do once you’re tied up in bondage, how to be dominant in the bedroom and how to use sex toys to enhance your BDSM experience in future articles.

– Hella Rude


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